


your favorite weapon

by coffeeandcigarettesplease



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abortion, Angst, Break Up, Cheating, Divorce, Emo!Ben, Emotional Abuse, Eventual HEA, F/M, Growing Up, High School AU, Hux sux, I cant stress enough how sad this is, Incest, Like 2005 emo, Long Distance Relationship, Loss of Virginity, Mental Illness, Oral Sex, Pining, Pseudo Incest, Recreational marijuana use - Freeform, Reunion, Sad, Smut, Step Siblings, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Relationships, ben is a hopeless romantic, codependent relationship, domestic abuse, folgers, skinny jeans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-24 02:36:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17092454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeandcigarettesplease/pseuds/coffeeandcigarettesplease
Summary: Ben Organa and Rey Solo are ideal step siblings. They get along so well. But their secret relationship could ruin everything, even as they grow into adulthood.A nostalgic, ten year span of snapshots from a complicated and secret relationship.





	1. Shower Scene

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my lovely darkfic community for keeping me sane. Let’s see how I do with an angst fic, hm?
> 
> Follow me @ coffeeandcigsok on Twitter
> 
> \- if suddenly their ages change, it’s because I messed up the timeline and had to fix things to make their ages right. I’m bad at math, bear with me.

**1** \- **Shower** **Scene**

 

 _so_ _I_ _update_ _this_ _every_ _day_ _for_ _you_. _I_ _begin_ _to_ _hate_ _you_ _for_ _your_ _face_ _not_ _just_ _the_ _things_ _you_ _do_. _Go_ _tell_ _him_ _how_ _my_ _wrist_ _is_ _sore_ _from_ _pulling_ _at_ _your_ _inside_ s  _all_ _night_. _Now_ _nothing_ _that_ _you_ _do_ _is_ _new_ _to_ _anything_ _or_ _anyone_ _but_ _you._

 

 **April** , **2005**

 

 

It’s a cold spring morning. Rey Solo slips out from under Ben’s arm and tiptoes over carpet, discarded clothes, cracked CD cases and sneakers until she clears the doorway. The house is quiet, still dark as the sun hasn’t even eclipsed the horizon yet. It’s only six steps across the hallway until she’s in her own bedroom, holding her breath as she pulls the door shut.

 

She doesn’t exhale until she’s safely under the blankets in her own bed. Rey curls up tight, into a ball, with the quilt drawn up under her little chin. In an hour, two if she’s lucky, her alarm will beep and it’ll be time for school. Dark circles under her eyes and the slight pallor to her usually golden skin is the only indication of how she spends her nights lately. She’s exhausted, bone tired, but in the best way.

 

As she drifts towards sleep, she thinks of her stepbrother. Long limbs tangled around her, shaggy hair pulled back but messy. The Used T-shirt hugging his lean, muscular frame. Strip of skin between the hem of his T-shirt and his boxers, smooth and soft and aching to be kissed. Just like his mouth aches to be kissed. Soft and full and so pliant under her own. Little tingles and warmth blossom across her swollen lips and she smirks, burying her face in her pillow to hide it even though she’s alone.

 

It’s _bad_. It’s so bad, she’s got it so, _so_ bad for him.

 

Rey drifts to sleep and wakes up to the frenzied beep of her alarm a short time later. She drags herself through a shower and pulls on jeans and a pink polo shirt, a gray cardigan over that. She’s brushing her teeth in the bathroom when she hears Leia banging on Ben’s bedroom door.

 

She rolls her eyes at her reflection then spits paste into the sink and lets the water wash it away.

 

Rey still doesn’t have a car so she winds up waiting, leaning against Ben’s Ford Falcon, daydreaming that it’s her own. Cherry red and faster than anything she’s been in before. It had been a present for his seventeenth birthday and the most animated she had ever seen him, up until that point. Her dad had worked hard to restore it in secret, at his shop, and Rey helped him scavenge for parts in the local junkyards until they had everything they needed. When the ignition turned, the engine purred like a big cat. Rey loved it, was only a little jealous.

 

Ben trudges out the garage door looking half awake. Rey slides into the passenger seat and fastens her belt, knapsack balanced on the toes of her yellow Chuck Taylor high tops. Ben turns the key, yawns, and ejects the tape from the deck to insert another. Instantly, electric guitar and distortion blare from the speakers. Rey reaches over to turn it down but he smacks her hand away.

 

“Rude,” she snips, and Ben just smirks.

 

“My car, my jams, sweetheart.” He chuckles while she glares.

 

It’s almost startling how easy it is to slip into their roles. Ben is a moody senior with a bad attitude and bad reputation. He hangs out with the skaters, the stoners, the punks. Kids that skip class and share cigarettes under the bleachers down at the football field during lunch. He wears his shaggy dark hair too long, under beanies and pushed over his forehead all messy. Ben is a dick - to his mother, to Rey’s father, any and every authority figure he interacts with. The teachers hate him, but his classmates think he’s a legend.

 

Rey thinks she might be the only person that he drops the stupid facade around. And that took a lot of prodding and time, and he still drew those walls up more often than she likes.

 

“Gonna go to class today?” she asks lightly, sitting on her hands so he won’t see her fidgeting.

 

“Some,” Ben says vaguely. They only have PE together, much to Rey’s delight. It’s the last class of the day and the teacher usually lets them mess around. Rey shoots hoops with Finn and Kaydel while Ben and his cronies lounge on the old wooden bleachers. She feels his gaze on her the entire time, and it makes her feel heat everywhere.

 

There’s a certain _thrill_ to keeping this secret that Rey is obsessed with. She struggles to pay attention in class but still keeps a perfect GPA. Every song seems to apply directly to her situation, every lyric building a story in her mind like theirs. She glances at Ben, finds him looking back at her, and blushes.

 

“You could always come with me,” he says in a low voice. “Miss Perfect could skip a period.”

 

Rey blushes. “I think we’d both be in trouble if that happened.”

 

Ben’s lips lift in a half smile and he reaches over the interior to squeeze her knees. She feels the weight and warmth of his palm through her jeans and it zips straight to her core. She shifts, barely perceptible, but Ben bites his lip and takes his hand back.

 

They have rules. They’re being very responsible about this _highly_ _irresponsible_ relationship.

 

No messing around at school. No flirting around the parents. Never, under any circumstances, tell _anyone_ about _anything_. Rey knows she’s better at it than Ben; she catches him staring across the cafeteria and the dinner table. She feels the brush of his hand on her bottom when he sneaks notes or candy into her back pocket. No one seems to know, and Rey - though at times she wants to scream it from the roof tops - is very aware that this is how it has to be.

 

The high school rumor mill moves fast, it’s true. But she doubts very much they’d let go of the fact that Ben Organa was fucking his stepsister.

 

 

——

 

 

 **April** , **2015**

 

“You’re being ridiculous,” Leia Organa-Solo says. Ben can feel her glaring daggers at him as they sit in the booth at the crowded diner. It’s spring break and young students, mothers with toddlers and elementary age kids, crowd the restaurant and bring the noise to a dull roar.

 

“Am I?” He unwraps his silverware and sinks his spoon into the mug of coffee, stirring up the cream he dumped in. “I think I’m being perfectly reasonable.”

 

“It’s her _birthday_ , Ben. You have to come.” His mother glances around and straightens her back. “I don’t know what happened - you two were so close when you were younger. Han and I thought - that it was a sign. That our marriage was meant to be, since you got along so well.”

 

Ben holds in a snort and thinks, _if_ _you_ _only_ _knew_ , _Mom_...

 

“We grew up. Grew apart. It’s not a big deal.” He lifts the brown mug and takes a sip. A little girl across the way is blowing bubbles in her milk, foamy white rising and rising while her mother is distracted by her phone. Ben hates cell phones. He keeps an old Nokia because Leia thinks the world will end if she can’t reach him at any time. It feels like a tether.

 

“I know if you just talked to her, things could be mended,” Leia says. Her warm brown eyes plead with him, brow furrowed just slightly. It’s not like it’s a big birthday - he’s turned twenty eight the previous November, so Rey will be twenty eight in May. No one threw him a party. He’d spent the night getting drunk at home and watching Parks and Recreation like any other Tuesday night.

 

Rey had texted him. Of course she did. _Happy_ _Birthday_ , _Ben_. Three words that shattered his heart and made his hands shake.

 

“If Rey wants me there, she can invite me. I’m not going to go just because you want me there. I’m not going to ruin her good time because you insist on me being there.” He rakes a hand through his dark hair, shorter than he’s worn it in years, but still long enough to hide his big ears.

 

Leia purses her lip and sighs. “Fine. I’ll talk to her.” The waitress is coming and she turns on her most charming smile.

 

Ben lets Leia order but doesn’t get anything for himself. He’s not hungry. Thinking of Rey, talking about Rey, it gives him a stomach ache. He can still smell her apple shampoo, still feel her soft skin under his fingertips. How good it felt, holding her against his chest. Laying in bed together as long as they possibly can. Holding onto each passing second.

 

“What did happen, Ben?” Leia asks after the waitress skips off to put in her order.

 

Ben sighs and shakes his head. There’s no way to explain it now that would make his mother understand. He’s the bad guy in all of this. He doesn’t blame Rey for the rift between them, and he doesn’t blame her for the distance. 

 

It was what she needed to move on. To have a life of her own. And Ben had told her, five years ago, that if she thought she could move on and have a satisfying life without him... well, he wouldn’t stop her.

 

It wasn’t like Ben could ever tell her no, anyway.


	2. Jude Law and a Semester Abroad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys. Formatting from my phone is a bitch but this story is near and dear to me, and I want it pretty. I hope you appreciate my poor fingers.

2 - **Jude** **Law** **and** **a** **Semester** **Abroad**

 

 _Tell_ _all_ _the_ _English_ _boys_ _you_ _meet_ _about_ _the_ _American_ _boy_ _back_ _in_ _the_ _states_ _the_ _American_ _boy_ _you_ _used_ _to_ _date_ , _who_ _would_ _do_ _anything_ _you_ _say_.

 

 **August** , **2005**

 

 

 

“Stop looking at me like that,” Rey says, tucking a lock of chestnut brown hair behind her ear. Ben is sprawled across her bedspread and keeps pulling out everything she puts into her suitcase. He’s also glaring, which is somehow the most annoying part.

 

“I can’t believe you’re leaving.” He reaches into the luggage and pulls out a pair of lacy pink panties, shooting her a withering look. “Why do you even need these? Plan on shagging some bloke?”

 

Rey snatches the underwear out of his hands and huffs an annoyed sigh. He’s being impossible - has been impossible - ever since she broke the news that she’d be going to school in the UK rather than following him to NYU like they’d planned. How could she turn down a full scholarship to Imperial College in London? She’s felt a longing to go back to the rainy island for years, since she was a child, and she had applied on a whim. Getting in, getting a full ride, felt like the universe was telling her to go.

 

And maybe it was time that whatever is between them ended. Maybe it’s time to kill the past, move on, grow up. Let go of this insane relationship that is nothing but doomed and dangerous.

 

Rey could never say all if that to him. It would break his heart. And if nothing else, she does love him - so deeply that it hurts, most of the time. A constant, acute pain with each beat of her heart. As blood pumps through her veins it beats his name, over and over. Steady, reliable. Her love for him is too much, it’s too big. It’s like a black hole, swallowing everything up that gets too close. Rey loves him so much that it terrifies her, it consumes her, until it feels like there’s very little Rey left and too much Ben.

 

Putting an ocean between them seems, at the time, the smartest move.

 

“Maybe I plan on sending you sexy photos,” Rey says, shoving the panties back in her bag, along with a stack of neatly folded tops. “Maybe I’ll fuck someone else. Who knows.”

 

“Don’t even day that.” Ben lunges up from the bed. He looms over her, broad shoulders and long limbs, dark locks falling in his face. His big hands cup her shoulders, fingers pressing in on her tight. “Don’t joke about breaking my heart, Rey.”

 

She softens. Brushes the fringe over his forehead, pecks his full mouth softly. “Sorry. You know I can’t.” She doesn’t mean to remind him, but his umber eyes grow stormy and he shifts his grip to cup under her jaw, forcing her to far up to look at him. “Never fucking remind me,” he whispers, low and warning, before his mouth crashes down against her. Ben kisses like he does everything. Full of passion, unknowing of his own strength. His lips bruise and his tongue plunged into her mouth, sliding against her own and sending sparks of excitement from lips to core. She tingles, shivers, everywhere.

 

She’s supposed to pack but he twists her around, pushing her down on the bed and shoving the suitcase out of their way. Ben’s lips kiss down her throat, over her pounding pulse, nipping the soft, thin skin.

 

“No hickeys,” she pants as Ben sucks her neck and she can feel him smile into the crux of her shoulder.

 

“I should paint you purple with marks,” Ben says, hands pushing up her T-shirt as he scoots lower to kiss her belly. She tugs his hair as he sucks and bites the firm flesh of her abdomen, making her cry out weakly. Han and Leia are gone, they’re alone. She can be as loud as she fucking wants. “Send you off to London as my ruined girl, huh? What do you think, Rey?”

 

“No,” she whimpers weakly. But she doesn’t care, not truly. As long as their parents can’t see... the thought of having evidence of Ben, a reminder seared into her flesh when she’s on the other side of the Atlantic, is thrilling.

 

Ben grinds his erection against her thigh. They’re silent as they both shirk jeans and shirts and underwear until both are blissfully nude. Skin on skin, sweat on sweat, he slides home into her and Rey gasps our in pleasure. Every time feels like the first time, no matter how wet she is. He’s so much bigger than her, and it feels so good. The burn, the stretch, the friction inside of her that quickly builds when combined with his kisses on her mouth and his hands everywhere, stroking and pinching and pulling her with him towards the blinding ecstasy of climax. Ben never cums before her, never. Rey moans as they move against each other.

 

“Tell me you won’t forget me,” Ben pants, pushing onto his elbows so he can gaze into her eyes. “Tell me this is real, this is forever.”

 

“I could - never,” Rey whispers in fragments. She can barely think straight with the pressure in her pelvis, his cock stroking her to the highest peak. “Never forget you. Always you, Ben.”

 

“Hurry,” he says, jaw clenching tight and reaching between them. He rubs her clit in soft, practiced circles that has her legs trembling and her voice calling for him. Together, they both explode with groans and cries, trembling and panting as Rey’s little pussy milks his cock. She’s always reminded of the wonders of technology, thankful for the birth control shot she gets every three months, that allows Ben to finish inside of her.

 

“Don’t go,” Ben says, gathering her against the solid wall of his chest.

 

Rey peppers him with kisses but doesn’t say what she’s thinking. She has to go, or she will never have a life of her own.

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

 **April** , **2015**

 

 

Rey paces back and forth, chewing her thumb nail as her stomach swirls with anxiety. She’s been back home for a year, only moving out of Leia and Han’s three months ago into her own garden flat with a tiny patio that she fills with plants. Her place is small, but it’s perfect for her. Rey’s own space, to do with what she wants. It’s cozy and over decorated but amazing.

 

She wakes up every morning to sunshine through her window and doesn’t have to worry about walking on egg shells. She doesn’t have to leap out of bed to whip up breakfast and iron Hux’s clothes. She doesn’t have to be perfect, every minute of every day, and still stagger under the weight of his disappointment.

 

She doesn’t drink wine at 9 AM while wishing for the strength to leave. She doesn’t daydream about getting run over by oncoming traffic or getting so sick she has to stay in the hospital hooked up to machines. Rey knew it was fucked up at the time, but it was a reprieve. A dark fantasy she polished like a worry stone in the infrequent quiet moments of her life.

 

Until Han came to visit and realized what was happening. How bad it was, how bad _she_ was. He gave her the out she needed to get away from Hux, had lawyers draw up divorce papers, and that was the end of that. Hux didn’t even put up a fight for her, as she’d been afraid he would. Just let her go, a skipping stone over calm water. Then Rey was free.

 

She could finally breathe again.

 

She paces in front of the sliding glass door, staring at his contact information on her phone screen. She has a picture of him, a picture of a picture, from when they were young. High school young, him in his emo phase with the swoopy bangs and curl to his lip, like he was Sid Vicious. No, not Sid Vicious, as that would make her Nancy, and Rey has had enough doomed romances in her life, thanks very much.

 

She should call him. Leia told her to call him, and invite him to her birthday party. That he’s willing to mend their fences if she reaches out first. Honestly, that’s just so Ben-like that she smiled, softly, when Leia told her. Her stepmother had smiled back, likely sharing the same thought.

 

“Just call him, Rey. You always understood him better than anyone else.”

 

A small, bitter part of her heart wants to cry out, no one else ever tried! To the world, Ben Organa was a spoiled brat with a chip on his shoulder. He was a menace to his mother and the school. All he wanted - even if he would never admit it - was someone to simply love him for being him. For his wit and his loyalty, for his humor and his intelligence.

 

That’s it, that’s all. All Rey had to do was what came to her as easily as breathing. Just love him.

 

And she did - she does - so bloody much. Still. Again. Always.

 

Taking a deep breath, she thumbs the green call button and holds the phone to her ear before she can change her mind. She breathes out slowly, like Doctor Holdo instructed her to in times of high anxiety. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

 

It rings thrice and then he picks up.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi, Ben,” Rey says, smiling nervously alone in her apartment. She leans her forehead against the glass door, gazing at her plant-covered patio, forcing herself to breathe.

 

“... _Rey_?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from “Jude Law and a Semester Abroad,” by Brand New


	3. Sudden Death In Carolina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love so far. Today we’ll have a look at the first *moment* between Ben and Rey and wrap up the phone call from the previous chapter.
> 
> Find me on twitter @ coffeeandcigsok

3 - **Sudden** **Death** **in** **Carolina**

 

 _and_ _its_ _all_ _that_ _I_ _remember_ _from_ _a_ _night_ _spent_ _lying_ _on_ _my_ _back_ _with_ _a_ _view_ _of_ _a_ _stone_ _white_ _ceiling_ _and_ _the_ _back_ _of_ _your_ _head_. _This_ _dark_ _and_ _quiet_ _bed_ _feels_ _like_ _the_ _middle_ _of_ _nowhere_. _We_ _beat_ _each_ _other_ _up_ _just_ _like_ _we_ _always_ _do_. _When_ _I’m_ _talking_ _to_ _myself_ _I’d_ _always_ _rather_ _be_ _talking_ _to_ _you_.

 

 

 

 **July** , **2004**

 

It’s hot as _fuck_ in his tuxedo and Ben wants nothing more than to rip it off. But Han stands beside him at the altar, matching in black, matching in sweat. The pictures will be polished up so they won’t look terrible, but the baking summer sun beats down and he hates this whole day.

 

The string quartet starts up and he glances down the makeshift aisle. They’re in the backyard, swimming pool behind them and folding chairs filled with relatives he knows and many that he doesn’t. A rose trellis frames them, minister in the middle with his little black Bible. Then his new step sister, Rey, is coming down the aisle.

 

She looks like an angel but haunts all his thoughts.

 

Ever since she and Han moved in, it’s been awful. She’s _everywhere_ , invading his space and hogging the television with Laguna Beach and shitty pop music. She wakes up earlier than him and logs on to her AIM account on the family computer to message her friends back home, friends she’s sad to have moved away from.

 

So he’s read a few of her chats. Ben just wants to know what she thinks of _him_.

 

Turns out, it’s not much.

 

She looks beautiful though, coming down the aisle at a snails pace in her lilac dress. Bare, sun-kissed shoulders and long wavy hair falling like coffee-colored ribbons over her shoulders. Legs longer than they have any right to be. He wonders ( _often_ ) how they would feel wrapped around him. Then feels guilty, because how _fucked_ _up_ is that? How messed up is he, thinking about his stepsister like that?

 

Ben tries not to, he really does. But it’s impossible when she’s constantly around. Legs hanging over the arm of the couch. Laying on a lounge chair in tiny bikinis under the hot summer sun. Getting a glass of water at night in a long T-shirt with no pants, while he’s grabbing a midnight snack during a Diablo binge. Rey is constantly around, suffocating him and giving him unintended boners that either ignores or beats the hell out of. He curses himself, being a lonely almost seventeen year old virgin, wishes he could do something about it.

 

But he doesn’t even think of other girls anymore. Not like he thinks about Rey.

 

She reaches the altar and the photographer’s camera clicks in a frenzy as Han steps close to kiss her cheek. Ben and Rey’s eyes meet as she steps back into her spot. Hazel, almond shaped, pretty. She sticks out her tongue and he feels his chest clench up tight.

 

Why does she do stuff like that? It drives him crazy.

 

His mother looks beautiful too as she gracefully walks down the aisle, beaming at Han. Ben doesn’t know how to feel about that whole situation - though Leia looks happier than he’s ever seen her, it’s weird to know that this guy is taking over their home and fucking his mom. But he seems ok. Not a gold digger, not out to snag some kind of publicity for marrying a senator. He runs his own mechanic shop and comes home with grease under his fingernails and chases Leia around the kitchen when she tells him to scrub up with Lava soap first.

 

She seems younger. Ben is as happy for her as he can be.

 

The soon to be husband and wife say their vows and the audience claps and hollers when they kiss. Rey finds his eyes again and mimes gagging, making Ben smile. She’s so... precious. Infuriating. He’s torn on how to feel.

 

The chairs are moved and the rental company pitches a massive tent and puts down fake flooring, the band arrives and starts setting up amps and equipment while the caterers start handing out champagne. Ben sweats and grimaces fake smiles as the photographer poses them.

 

“One of you and Rey now!” Leia insists, and Ben has to gulp down air as he tries to act nonchalant. He puts an arm around her waist and fights hard not to notice how naturally she folds herself into his innocent embrace. It’s his best picture of the day.

 

As soon as possible, Ben ditches his stuffy, sweat stained suit and changes into a pair of basketball shorts and a Taking Back Sunday T-shirt. By that point, most of the reception is well on their way to drunk and the sun blazes into the horizon, coloring the sky in burning orange and softest pink. He finds Rey inside, clutching a champagne flute and staring out the French doors to the patio and party.

 

“You ok?” he asks, gazing down at her. She flinches, startled, and light amber sloshes over the rim of her glass.

 

“Jeez! Wear a bell or something,” she snaps, hazel eyes narrowed.

 

“Sorry,” he says weakly. “You just looked really sad.”

 

“I’m not.” Her voice is laced with venom and she hugs her arms tightly around her front. “I’m very happy for our parents.”

 

“Right.” Ben wonders if she’s as conflicted as he is. She takes a long swig if her drink until it’s gone. “Didn’t figure you for a drinker.”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“How many have you had?”

 

“Four.”

 

Ben chuckles and Rey glances up, pink cheeks and eyes shimmering with unshed tears. They look more green than brown right now. So pretty, even as her full bottom lip trembles.

 

“ _Everything_ is different now,” she says in a voice thick with emotion. “Everything is changing and I _feel_ \- I feel like I’m stuck in the eye of the storm.”

 

Without thought, without hesitation, Ben reaches a long arm out to her and she spins into his chest, face pressed to his T-shirt and growing rapidly wetter as she sobs. He strokes her back, holding her as closely as she allows. Her hair, this close, smells like apples. Her bare shoulders the softest thing he’s ever touched.

 

“Everything is changing and I’m entirely alone,” Rey sniffles against him. It’s a sentiment Ben is all too familiar with. A hollow feeling of doubt, or loneliness, of being misunderstood. His whole life, he’s felt the ghost of his father hanging over him - a man that never wanted him, never wanted to be involved. He’s felt the absence of Leia, working long hours and pushing herself through graduate school to provide and live up to the family standard. Ben hates that Rey has any idea how awful it is. How unbearable. He squeezes her tighter.

 

“You’re not alone, Rey. You have me, now.”

 

“Promise?” She pulls back and tips her head to gaze at him, hazel eyes searching his dark gaze, beseeching, filled with hope.

 

“I promise.”

 

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

 **April** , **2015**

 

“Yeah, it’s me.” He hears her breathe out a long sigh. “It’s been a while. I hope I’m not - intruding.”

 

Ben is frozen at his desk. His (blessedly) private office in the corner of the office, overlooking a sea of cubicles, feels suddenly exposed. He leaps up and slams the door shut, twisting the lock for extra security, before falling onto the short leather sofa tucked under the window.

 

“No, not at all. Where are you?” He imagines her old bedroom at Leia and Han’s, mint green walls and the white bars of her headboard. The controlled chaos of her books stacked on every surface, the little row of succulents on her window sill.

 

“I have an apartment now. It’s only a few minutes from home, but you know how Dad is.” He can imagine her rolling her eyes.

 

“Protective?” Ben supplies.

 

“That’s _one_ way to put it.” She giggles, and his heart fucking cracks with the sound. He misses her so much - it’s hard to believe it’s been years since they were in the same room, let alone the same country. “So I’m calling about my birthday party.”

 

Ben sits up straight on the couch. He loosens his suddenly strangling tie. “Yeah, Leia said they’re throwing you a big bash.”

 

“It’s a birthday - slash - finalizing my divorce party.” The words hang heavy like smoke between them. “Dad and Leia want to make it a big deal. My therapist agrees and says it’s a way to um, celebrate my freedom from my abuser or some nonsense so... I would like you to be there.”

 

Ben can’t breathe. _Divorce_? _Abuser_? No one has told him anything with those words used, or his actions might have been different. “What - what do you mean?”

 

“Well...” she draws the word out before laughing. Ben can hear how hollow it sounds. “I left Hux, we’re divorcing, and I’m seeing a therapist to get over the abuse.”

 

His stomach drops like a stone in a pond.

 

“He _hit_ you?” Ben’s voice is deadly calm, too steady, considering his heart feels like it’s going to beat out his chest.

 

He hears her inhale. “A bit. But um, emotional stuff was far worse, actually.” Her tone is too light considering the topic. Ben sets the phone down and rakes his shaking hands through his hair. He stands, pacing around the industrial stain-resistant carpet for a moment before sending his fist through the drywall. He hasn’t done this in years, though it is very much a patented Ben Organa move. Knuckles throbbing and cracked, he picks the phone back up, places it to his ear.

 

“Ben? Are you there?”

 

“Yes,” he says, then clears his throat. “Of course I’ll come to your party Rey. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from “Sudden Death in Carolina,” by Brand New


	4. Mixtape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to give a heads up that Rey is in an established relationship with Hux in this chapter, and she cheats on him. Didn’t wa t to upset anyone, so thought I’d add a warning.
> 
> I’m on Twitter @ coffeeandcigsok

**4** \- **Mixtape**

 

 _and_ _I_ _know_ _that_ _you’re_ _a_ _sucker_ _for_ _anything_ _acoustic_ , _when_ _I_ _say_ _let’s_ _keep_ _in_ _touch_ , _I_ _really_ _mean_ _I_ _wish_ _that_ _you’d_ _grow_ _up_. _This_ _is_ _the_ _first_ _song_ _for_ _your_ _mixtape_ , _and_ _it’s_ _short_ _just_ _like_ _your_ _temper_. _Somewhat_ _golden_ _like_ _the_ _afternoons_ _we_ _used_ _to_ _spend_ _before_ _you_ _got_ _too_ _cool_ ( _yeah_ _but_ _I_ _wish_ _you_ _were_ _my_ _shadow)_

 

 

 

 **November** , **2005**

 

 

It’s lonely without Rey around. He sees her updates on MySpace and they instant message occasionally. She claims to be bogged down studying for finals but the pictures she posts, the comments on her page, show him she’s living it up abroad and that makes him sick to his stomach.

 

Doesn’t she miss him? Doesn’t her heart ache with longing when she hears a Jimmy Eat World song that just perfectly encapsulates the ever growing distance between them?

 

He gets up every morning, drags himself through the shower, goes to class. His roommate, Poe Dameron, is a nice guy and they blaze together in the afternoon between Poe’s shift at Starbucks and Ben’s studying. He’s really fucking trying, because she asked him to. Because otherwise, he has to face how utterly alone he is in the world.

 

The days pass by with the same pattern, a routine he welcomes because it’s nice to know what comes next. Meals in the cafeteria. Messaging with Rey late at night, when she’s waking up for class. Missing her so desperately that every day feels gray, dull, without her.

 

“Find some strange,” Poe suggests one evening. “I can’t stand to see you look like this.”

 

“You don’t get it,” Ben says with a weary sigh. “I love her. There isn’t anyone else.”

 

Poe just gives him one of those patronizing, pitiful looks that Ben has come to loathe. He doesn’t know the whole story, that Rey is his stepsister and this fucked up love story has always been doomed. It’s always been intense, electric, a fever dream. Ben knows he can survive a world without Rey in it. He just doesn’t want to.

 

It’s probably easy for Poe because he’s so normal. Good looking, charming, warm brown eyes and thick curly hair cut short because he’s not trying to hide big ears. Girls flock to him, approach him as they cross campus together, pushing flyers into his arms with their email addresses and cell numbers scribbled on the back. _Meat is Murder_! _And_ _call_ _me_ _for_ _a_ _good_ _time_!

 

Rey isn’t like that. She is comfort and desire, otherworldly and home all at the same time. He scrolls through her comment page on MySpace, over-analyzing every little thing until he can hardly stand her or himself. He hates it, hates her, for driving him crazy. Making him fall in love then running away.

 

Seasons change. She’s coming home for Christmas. It’s all Ben has to look forward to.

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

 **May** , **2010**

 

 

“Rey! Where are my slacks?”

 

 _Fuck_ , she thinks, racing towards the laundry hamper in a rush. Hux is always like this in the mornings. Grumpy, barking out commands. If she could just get herself together, stop being so absent-minded, he wouldn’t have to yell.

 

She finds the thick wool pants with a pleased grin and grabs them, shaking out the legs so they snap. Really, she should have hung them, but there aren’t any creases. “Here, honey.” She brings them out into the living room, and he darts out of the laundry room with a thunderous look in his pale blue eyes.

 

“You’re making me late,” he snaps, yanking the material from her hands. “Useless.”

 

“I’m - I’m sorry,” Rey stutters. She hates this feeling, halfway between anticipation and dread. She’s never met anyone that can switch moods so quickly. It knocks her sideways and her head spins. She just has to be careful. Make sure she doesn’t make mistakes. Use her brain.

 

“How you made it through civil engineering I will never know. Can’t even put the bloody laundry away.” He huffs a hollow laugh and shakes his head. Rey follows him into the kitchen. She’s made him an egg, three slices of bacon, his favorite cinnamon-toast. He takes exactly one bite of everything while she chews her lip, twisting her hands in front of her.

 

“I’m off then.” Hux pecks her head before grabbing his leather attaché case and making for the door. “Let’s have chicken for dinner.” And then he’s gone.

 

Rey waits a few minutes, standing in the doorway to the kitchen, before she exhales a long sigh. She finishes his breakfast in quick bites, like he might find her and get angry. She washes the dishes up, then runs them through the dishwasher too. Hux is very particular on how he likes things.

 

She hefts the full hamper into their bedroom and puts everything away where it goes. Hux likes to have everything organized by color, so she follows his way to make him happy and hums while she does. There is a safety in this routine, like a secret answer key to making her relationship work. If she does everything right, just so, Hux will be happy. He’ll look at her as he used to, before they were married. When he still treated her like he loved her, like he wants her around. For more than the cooking and the washing. For more than the stilted, boring, predictable sex they have three times a week. The same position. Every time.

 

It wasn’t always like this. Sometimes, Rey gets confused though, and she can’t remember. Hux will say something happened one way, while she remembers it another, but he’s insistent and she can’t remember the truth anymore. She doesn’t trust herself.

 

After the laundry is put away and the dishes are returned to their places in the cabinet, Rey takes a long shower. The phone rings as she climbs out, a towel half wrapped around her naked frame. She races to the kitchen, hopeful that it’s Han or Finn, a friendly voice to brighten the monotony.

 

“Rey! Is that you?” Her heart stutters than lurches into overdrive. It’s Ben. Her Ben.

 

“Ben!” She laughs. Her cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. She rarely lets herself think of her stepbrother, as it usually just makes her sad. After everything that happened between them, the memories are like pouring salt in a fresh wound. But she’s so happy to hear him in that moment that it cancels out the sad, heavy weight of their past. “How are you? What’s up?”

 

“I’m in London.” She can hear voices in the background and nearly drops the handset. “I’m in the tube near your address. I want to see you.”

 

“Ben, I don’t know...” If Hux came home early and found them together, it would be very, very bad. Her stomach lurches, but her heart wants him. Wants to see him. Really see him, in person.

 

“Your asshole boyfriend isn’t there, is he?” Ben drawls. “I don’t care. I’m coming to you and I’m going to see you. He can fucking watch.”

 

A thrill runs through her. Ben’s brand of possession is so different than her husband. She hasn’t had the heart to tell him that she’s been married almost a year now. Hux treats her like her thoughts don’t matter, that she’s his regardless and whatever is inside her head is a waste of time. Ben treats her like everything she has to say is interesting and revolutionary, even if it’s just a recipe off Facebook. Ben treats her like something precious. Hux treats her like less than a dog.

 

“Fine, but. You can’t stay too long, Ben.” His voice feels like a prayer. He grunts in acknowledgement, double checks her address is correct, and they hang up.

 

Rey has never been more thankful that Hux insists on Brazilian waxing for her. She’s smooth and totally hairless down there. If Ben were to see or feel, it’ll drive him nuts. She puts on a pair of cheeky cut Victoria’s Secret panties and matching bra, her bathrobe over that. She can’t lie to herself about Ben, what she wants from him. Cheating is bad. She just wants a few moments of happiness now, with Ben.

 

He knocks twice and she swings the door open. Her hair is still damp but he doesn’t seem to care. She hardly gets a look at him before he steps in, kicking the door shut behind him and capturing her cheeks in his big, warm hands.

 

“Rey,” he breathes. Her name is a prayer and she shivers. He fingers thread into her thick brown hair and he tugs her head back, lips ghosting over her cheeks, chin, forehead, nose. “Baby, I missed you.”

 

“I missed you more,” she whimpers. Their lips brush, the barest sensation of his pillowy pink mouth. Her knees want to give. His lips apply more firmly, and she moans as he holds her. Will it always be like this between them? Everything feels brand new, like the first time. Sensations she had forgotten flood her nervous system and her panties. Pressure low in her hips and her nipples tightening to firm points inside the cups of her bra.

 

She drags him into the bedroom, pulling his hulking frame on top of her on the bed. He’s already hard against her tummy, and she fumbles to get him out of his clothes at the same time he presses open her robe. He tugs on the cup of her bra, freeing one nipple, and dips his head to kiss it.

 

They don’t speak. Their want is too strong, desire to be locked together overriding the need for words. Rey runs her hands over his muscular back, feeling the fine tremble in him as he held himself back. That won’t do - she digs her nails in lightly, making him growl. She smiles at the thought that at least he hasn’t changed.

 

When he cups her sex under her panties, Rey sobs out a moan. It’s so good, so much better than Hux’s careless fumbling.

 

“You’re... fuck,” Ben swears, pulling back to tear her panties down her legs. He sucks in a breath at her, totally bare and spread in the late morning sunlight. Reverently, fingers trace her dripping slit. Then he’s folding in half to tongue the path of his fingers. Her hips hitch up, grinding on his face, and Ben makes a delicious, strangled noise that reverberates through her core.

 

“Yes, yes,” she pants, fingers twisting through his dark hair to hold him down. Ben helps her work through one explosive orgasm before pulling back and wiping her juices fro his goatee.

 

Rey pushes at his shoulder until he catches her drift and shifts onto his back. She undoes his belt and fly before freeing his cock. It’s as big as she remembers, pulsing in her grip. She wants to return the favor but wants him buried to the hilt in her wet heat even more. She rises to her knees, hovering over him, before lining them up and sliding down.

 

“Jesus,” Ben groans. Fingers dig into the flesh of her hips as he starts helping her move. Up and down, she bounces, hands on his chest to help leverage her weight. It feels so good - so good, she can’t help the tears that start to fall. She missed this burning passion, arousal that threatens to overflow. Nothing, no one, has ever made her feel so alive. So wanted and important. So loved.

 

“I’m not gonna last,” Ben warns her. She pulls off him and falls to her hands and knees as he smoothly moves to penetrate her from behind. The new position is deeper and she cries out in shameless ecstasy.

 

“Tell me you love me,” Ben grunts. He leans over her back, one hand grabbing her chin to force her to look him. His breath fans hot over her cheek.

 

“You know I do.” She squeezes him from the inside and his eyes roll, but his grip never slackens.

 

“I need to hear it,” he whispers.

 

A charged moment, hazel eyes clash with dark, deep brown. It’s like the air is electrified around them.

 

“I love you, Ben.”

 

They cum together moments later, a mess of sweaty limbs and heaving chests and tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from “mixtape,” by Brand New


	5. Failure by Design

5 - **Failure** **by** **Design**

 

 _watch_ _you_ _on_ _the_ _ones_ _and_ _twos_. _Through_ _a_ _window_ _in_ _a_ _well_ _lit_ _room_. _Become_ _a_ _recluse_ _and_ _I_ _blame_ _myself_ _because_ _I_ _make_ _things_ _harder_ _and_ _you’re_ _just_ _trying_ _to_ _help_.

 

 

 

 **November** , **2004**

 

 

 

Junior year isn’t supposed to be a big deal, and it really isn’t. Ben has his group of friends and classes are bullshit. He only goes because he has to give Rey rides all the time. Han restored a Ford Falcon for his momentous seventeenth birthday, a couple weeks ago, which comes with the responsibility of carting Rey around all the time.

 

He acts like it’s a chore, but it’s not.

 

She has somehow become his best friend in the short year since their parents got married. It’s like no one knows him like she does, no one has ever tried. Leia is too busy with work, Han is too busy with work, his group at school all have their own issues to be distracted with. Then there’s Rey.

 

She’s never too busy. She never dismisses him, never makes him feel like a bother. She’s just there, whenever he needs her. The familiarity is like coming home.

 

She always gets on his nerves, however. Like today.

 

She keeps him waiting at the Falcon - his new ride still catches the eyes of his classmates in the parking lot which makes him simultaneously puff up with pride while blushing from the attention. Twenty minutes pass and he finally spots her coming down the stairs to the student parking lot, arm linked with Finn Prince.

 

If she has to have friends, he’s glad it’s nerdy little Finn. Who always has his hand up in class, who does stage production for the drama club. A nice guy that has never once tried to hit on his precious step sister. Might not like the guy, but there’s unspoken respect between the two. They look after her, even though she would hate knowing about it.

 

Rey is one of those rare girls that thinks she’s ugly but is truly beautiful. It’s not an attention thing, like his ex Jessika Pava, who moans about wanting to lose five pounds though she’s fit. Bazine Netal, queen of the alternative crowd Ben runs with, is the same way - even though she’s hot, and pretty much every dude wants to get with her.

 

Ben is no longer one of those dudes, but still.

 

“Bye, Finn! See you later!” Rey calls as she skips towards him. He sighs and opens her door, nodding at her friend before shutting her in.

 

“Big plans?” Ben asks as he turns the ignition and Bright Eyes fills the car.

 

“Yes. We are going to a party.” Rey bounces in her seat as she fastens her seatbelt and turns those big hazel eyes on him. “I got invited to a party at the Tico’s, and you’re taking me.”

 

Paige Tico is the most popular senior girl. Her sister Rose is in their grade. Where Paige is bright and pretty, effortlessly stylish, outgoing, her younger sister seems to be the polar opposite. Quiet, shy, mousy. A good friend for Rey to have, in the grand scheme, or so Ben thought.

 

“No, I’m not.”

 

“Please! You know Dad won’t let me go if you don’t go.” She leans towards him as they pull onto the main road leading away from the bustling high school into town. “Please. Pretty please. I’ll be your best friend.” She’s grinning, like she knows he’s helpless to say anything but yes.

 

“I wanted to rent Reservoir Dogs and Dog Day Afternoon,” he whines, gripping the wheel tighter. Of course he’s fucking taking her. Rey, without him as a chaperone? The high school punks that drool over her in the hallways will be all over her, drunk and careless for whether she wants the attention or not. The thought makes his stomach churn.

 

“We can do your dog movie marathon tomorrow,” Rey suggests. “I’ll buy you Reese cups and Vanilla Coke.”

 

“Oh, you play dirty,” Ben gasps, mock shocked.

 

“You’re the best, Ben.” Both hands land on his thigh, squeezing, which makes him slam the brakes hard. Her giggle is like an adorable bell that makes him shift uncomfortably. Fucking hell.

 

*

 

It’s nearly eight by the time Rey is finally ready. He hangs out in her room, on her bed, under a poster of Gwen Stefani while she decides what to wear, how to do her hair, eyeliner or no. He’s told her she looks fine a hundred times, but she does look nice in a deep green sweater with dark flares and her hair in loose waves. Kinda like the girl next door look in his favorite porn videos he downloads off Limewire.

 

The Tico sisters live on Carriage Hill in the nicest subdivision on the edge of town. Mostly prep school kids live there. Ben parks a ways away, worried about drunk assholes messing up his car. They walk up together, might as well be reading from separate scripts. Ben trudges, reluctant and sullen, dreading this whole evening. Rey bounces like she’s walking on clouds, prattling about how awesome it’s going to be.

 

“Have you even been to a party before?” Ben asks as they trek up the sloped driveway. The party spills out into the yard, kids with red cups and music blasting inside. Rey gazes at him, wide eyed and owlish looking. He chuckles. “Don’t leave your cup unattended and don’t take random drinks from anyone. That’s rule number one.”

 

“What are the other rules?” Rey asks in a small voice. They up the porch and Ben holds the door for her, hand brushing her lower back as he ushers her inside.

 

“Stick with me, kiddo. You’ll be ok.”

 

He likes the way she listens, shrinking into his side as they take in the scene. Their peers are in various states of inebriation around the house, a girl crying on the stairs while a clueless looking guy pats her shoulder. A group of jocks in their marching letter jackets egging each other on with a funnel and tube. Hip hop bass thumps through the speakers and Rey nervously laces their fingers together, sealed to his hip.

 

“Come on,” he says, leading the way through the throng.

 

The kitchen is bright and crowded but they find Paige and Rose there, trying to regulate the wild party goers. Rose is pink faced and a little buzzed, at least, because she squeals and throws her arms around Rey as soon as she sees her. “You made it, Solo!”

 

“I know, I can’t believe my dad let me out.” Rey seems to have forgotten they’re linked together by the hands as she hugs her friend back. Rose thinks he’s hugging her too and throws an arm around his waist, which makes him squirm.

 

Rey insists that Ben make her a drink. He smiles at her, the trust between them, and makes her a very weak Jack and Coke that she still pulls at disgusted face at, as the whiskey burns down her chest. Finn finds them soon, and Ben feels confident enough to go find a joint. He’s not much of a drinker, especially when he has to drive, especially when he has Rey in his passenger seat.

 

He finds Phasma and Baz outside in the backyard, passing a blunt back and forth. He doesn’t say anything, just steps into the circle, joining rotation.

 

“The fuck are you doing here, Organa?” Phasma asks with a quirked brow. “Didn’t figure this for your scene.”

 

“It’s not,” he agrees, then hits the blunt hard. He blows smoke rings up that the girls chase and poke, laughing, stoned. “Babysitting.”

 

“Ah,” Baz says knowingly. A smile curls up her painted lips. Everything about her look is so carefully planned that it feels fake, from her teased out hair to her strategically cut up band T-shirt. Even that seems fake, because she probably doesn’t even listen to Morrissey. She has ripped up fishnets and combat boots and a tiny stretchy skirt that barely covers her ass. “Precious little Rey can’t go to a party on her own so you have to chaperone. Cute, big brother.”

 

“I’m not her brother,” Ben corrects her instantly. Thank fucking God for that. He feels bad enough about his attraction to her, how needy and greedy she makes him feel.

 

“Well, obviously. Just step.” Baz blows out smoke and hands him the blunt. They fall into silence and Ben glances up through the kitchen window above them. He can see Rey sitting on the counter, still sipping her drink, bracketed by Finn and Rose. Paige is doing shots with a group of senior girls and the room feels disjointed, far away. Two different scripts, Ben thinks again.

 

Baz says, “I gotta pee,” and goes to squat in the bushes that boarder the back yard. Phasma gives him an inscrutable look.

 

“You’re like, totally in love with her,” the tall platinum blonde says. She smirks as Ben feels his heart pound anxiously.

 

“What? With Baz?” He jerks his thumb in the direction the other girl disappeared.

 

Phasma just smiles, like she knows something that Ben doesn’t. She hands him the blunt and exhales a plume of smoke over her shoulder, sauntering towards Bazine. “That’s fucked up, Organa!” she calls cheerfully. Ben takes a few more hits, then pockets the roach, and heads inside.

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

 **December** , **2005**

 

 

Ben is waiting at the gate when Rey gets off her plane. She can’t believe it’s been four months since she’s seen him. Without second thought, she bounds across the fooor, dodging bystanders, to launch herself into his arms.

 

Oh, he feels so sturdy beneath her. Solid and warm, hard muscle and soft hair that brushes the shoulders of his black peacoat. He looks so good and his arms around her are even better.

 

Because they’re surrounded by strangers, because she missed him so fucking much, Rey presses their mouths together and pours her whole heart into it. His hands cup her ass as they wrap around his waist. Ben tastes like home, like love. She can’t get enough.

 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Ben breathes into her hair as they embrace. “You’re finally here.”

 

“Two whole weeks. It sounded so long but now...” she pulls back and gazes into the dark depths of his eyes. “It won’t be enough, will it?”

 

“There’s never enough time when it comes to you.” He smooches her cheek loudly and then grab her bag off the carousel. They hold hands through the airport and it strikes Rey that despite how natural it feels to touch him, how they must look like any ordinary couple reuniting, she’s still glancing over her shoulder. Waiting for someone to recognize them, call them out. As if he senses her anxiety, Ben squeezes her hand.

 

“So we have a bunch of fucking stuff to do this week,” he says, distracting her so well. She almost forgot - this is Ben. Her best friend. Her soulmate, if such a thing exists. Of course he knows her better than anyone else. “Uncle Luke is coming down from Grayling for Christmas Eve dinner, we still have to go cut down a tree. Have you started shopping?”

 

“Of course not. Do you know how much international shipping costs?” She shoots him a bemused look.

 

“I’ll add shopping to this list. I think your accent has gotten stronger,” he adds thoughtfully, as the doors slide open and the Michigan winter cold smacks her in the face.

 

It’s snowy, though the roads are mostly dirty slush, and people bustle around, buttoned up with hats and scarves. Rey’s leather motorcycle jacket feels inadequate.

 

“Let’s hurry,” Ben says, and they dash across to the parking structure.

 

He’s still driving the Falcon which makes her heart sing. He parked at the top level of the structure and pops the trunk to stow away her luggage. Rey slides into her old spot, co pilot, and hums with pleasure. Being away made her forget the simple happiness of being with Ben, being in his space. She touches a cassette on the dash, turning it over in her hands. It has Rey, Volume 4, scrawled across the label. It’s new.

 

Guilt puddles in her stomach, acidic bile. She forgot how much she loves him. How could she forget?

 

As soon as Ben sits, Rey launches across the bench seat and knots her fingers in his hair, pulling him closer. He must feel it too, the same desperation to be as close and connected as possible. His lips mash against her own and his hands wrap around her sides, thighs pressed together.

 

“Backseat,” Rey murmurs, and they both laugh as they frantically tumble over the seats. It’s awkward, they’re both too long too fit comfortably (how did they manage it in high school? It seems like that was ages ago, but it really isn’t). Plus, with the added threat of someone seeing them, they have to be quick.

 

Rey ends up tugging her Juicy sweatpants down her hips while Ben frees his erection. He smacks it playfully against her ass cheek, other hand pulling the strip of her thong to the side. “Sexy panties,” he mumbles, before sliding the head between her drenched folds. “Damn, Rey. You’re really wet.”

 

“Four months is a long time,” she quips, and Ben hums in agreement before pushing in. She moans at the intrusion, the heavy, thick feel of him filling her. Rey’s eyes roll back and Ben grabs onto her hips with both hands. He thrusts into her, shoving his cock deep and making back arch. The car is rocking, windows fogging. Together, they pant.

 

“I missed you so much,” Rey whimpers.

 

“Missed you more.” Hand slips around her waist to pinch her clit, and it only takes a little bit longer for Rey to cum. Her thighs tremble as pleasure explodes, whiting out her vision. She hears Ben calling her name and then feels the hot gush of his cum inside of her.

 

Afterwards, they drive home, listening to her new mixtape. She sits in the middle, Ben’s arm around her shoulders, until they reach the outskirts of town. Reluctantly, she slides away towards the window. Ben squeezes her palm, knowing the exact reluctance she feels.

 

They’ve always been two sides of the same coin, Rey thinks.


	6. Last Chance to Lose Your Keys

6 - **Last** **Chance** **to** **Lose** **Your** **Keys**

 

 _i_ _cashed_ _in_ _all_ _my_ _chips_ _and_ _I_ _combed_ _my_ _hair_ _til_ _it_ _was_ _just_ _right_. _Cause_ _I_ _been_ _thinking_ _about_ _you_ _and_ _me_ _girl_ , _and_ _we_ _got_ _something_ _going_ _on_.

 

 

 **March** , **2006**

 

She’s been throwing up for a few weeks now when Rey gets a call from her doctor’s office back home. She’s overdue for her birth control shot - will she be home over spring break, can she make an appointment?

 

Her roommate - oddly enough, a girl she went to school with in Michigan, one of Ben’s friends, had exclusively applied to British schools as well, and was also offered a hefty scholarship - Phasma, runs to the corner pharmacy for her first thing in the morning. They read online that using first morning urine makes the test more accurate, so Rey holds her bladder despite the pain until Phasma returns.

 

In the communal bathroom, she pees on a plastic stick. The test comes back positive.

 

Rey sobs harder than she ever has before, snot and tears mixing on her face until she starts to heave.

 

“What the fuck,” she gasps through it all. Phasma holds her hair and pats her back awkwardly. She’s not a physically affectionate person, and likely uncomfortable, but unwilling to abandon her friend in this time of need. Especially when other girls from their floor cast disgusted looks at them, stall door open to accommodate them both.

 

“Never saw a girl barf before?” Phasma snaps. Rey sobs into her hands until another wave of nausea has her gagging.

 

After a hot shower, and then a run to McDonalds, Rey settles on her bed across from Phasma and says, “I need to call Ben.”

 

One blonde eyebrow arches. “Your brother, Ben?”

 

“He’ll know what to do,” Rey says, feeling dazed. Phasma obliges her need for privacy, excusing herself to run some errands, and Rey stares at her cell phone as she gathers her courage. What will he say? Will he be upset? What will he want her to do?

 

She holds the Sony to her ear as it rings. It goes to voicemail. “Ben, it’s me. I need to talk with you, it’s important.” She lets the statement hang, then quickly adds, “I love you.Miss you. Bye.”

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

 **December** , **2003/** **January** , **2004**

 

 

They always throw this big New Year’s Eve party, and it’s not any different this year. Ben figures he and Rey can hang around, scarf down appe-teasers, get drunk as covertly as possible, then fuck off to his room to watch movies until midnight. And then...

 

And then, he’s gonna tell Rey exactly how he feels. Tonight.

 

They’re supposed to dress up but Ben protests the whole stupid publicity stunt by wearing ripped up girl jeans, a black studded belt, and a Brand New T-shirt with his hair too long and skater shoes. Rey wears a crushed velvet dress in forest green that makes her eyes look emerald and her skin glow. They come downstairs at almost the same time, which hardly softens the blow. Guests are already arriving, so it’s not like Leia can throw a fit in front of everyone - just laugh about what a free spirit her kid is while Han glares daggers.

 

Fuck them. It’s not like he cares. As long as he gets to make Rey laugh, sneak her glasses of champagne or beer throughout the night, find her the best snacks. That’s all that matters.

 

“You’re going to get in trouble,” Rey says, as they hide in the kitchen. The caterers give them annoyed looks, they’re in the way. Ben just wants to be there when the crab puffs come out of the oven.

 

They wind up making it until eleven thirty, when Rey starts to yawn and giggle uncontrollably, and Ben decides its time to head to his room. Leia is drunk, insists on hugs and kissing his cheek, which he deals with politely, before guiding Rey upstairs and down the hall to his room.

 

It’s a mess, it always is, but Rey doesn’t mind. “Let me borrow some pajamas,” she demands, fists balled on her hips. Ben chuckles and finds her a T-shirt and shorts. His palms grow clammy at the idea of her wearing his clothes. Sleeping in his clothes. She’ll smell like him.

 

“Turn around.” She twirls her fingers and he laughs, but follows her order. The last thing he wants is to make her uncomfortable, even though he would love nothing more than to see her naked.

 

His dick twitches in his tight jeans. Ben tried to think of anything else, keeping his breathing even. After what seems an eternity, she mumbles, “Ok, Ben,” and has him turn back around. She’s just wearing his T-shirt, which is long but not long enough to cover everything. He swallows hard, cheeks turning red, and she shrugs.

 

“Your pants are too big. They won’t stay up.” She tosses them so they hit his face before he catches them, which is uproarious to buzzed Rey. She flops on his bed as Ben checks the clock. Quarter til midnight, plenty of time. He changes into the shorts too big for Rey, not giving a damn if she sees him in his right briefs. She’s crawled into bed with him a couple times, during thunderstorms or when she’s had bad dreams, when he was in underwear and no short. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, and she doesn’t comment. He flops down across from her, and the quiet is Lassus, nice.

 

“What do you think I’ll be like as an adult?” Rey asks in a dreamy voice. They curl parallel to each other on their sides, facing each other in the soft light from the lamp.

 

Mine, Ben wants to say. You’ll be mine, I’ll take care of you forever, we’ll be happier than our parents could even dream of being.

 

Instead, he says, “A stripper,” just to make her big hazel eyes. “You’ll be whatever you want, Rey. What do you want?”

 

“Maybe a mom. Some day. Like when I’m thirty. And old and boring.” She smiles and hides her face in his blanket, then peeks at him. “Is that lame?”

 

“No way. None of us would be here if that was weird.” He chuckles at her, eyes the clock. Only a few minutes left - he takes a deep breath, but she interrupts before he can speak.

 

“I’d like to do more than just be a mom. I’d like to fall in love. I’d like to be like, really freaking in love with the father of my child.” She grins, shrugging casually like it’s no big deal. “I don’t want to be like my mom.”

 

“I don’t want to be like my dad,” Ben whispers. The clock reads twelve. He quickly scoots towards her, one palm on her cheek to hold her steady as his head dips and kisses her. She’s soft, breath sweet like champagne and strawberries, and so warm. She doesn’t pull away from his mouth, instead lifting her face for better access. It’s so sweet, so perfect, that Ben could cry.

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

 **March** , **2006**

 

 

Ben calls Rey back as soon as he’s out of lecture. Their spring breaks don’t match up - there had been talk of one visiting, but it just wouldn’t work out - and she’s off the week before him. He’s not surprised that she’s called, he’s pleased, though there is a bit of worry at her tone and message.

 

What could she want to talk about that’s important?

 

She answers on the second ring, a quick, “hold on, love,” before she’s saying something to Phasma. Ben always thought it was incredible that the two - total opposites in every way - wound up roomies in London for college.

 

“Hey, Ben.” She sounds drained.

 

“What’s up, sweetheart?” He covers his other ear and presses his phone tight against his head, afraid to miss the slightest indication of her troubles.

 

“I have to tell you something. It’s... kind of a big deal.” He can imagine her, wringing her hands anxiously, chewing her nails.

 

“What is it?” She’s slept with someone else, she has a boyfriend, she’s got cancer... a swirl of horrors runs through his brain.

 

“I’m pregnant.”

 

 _Oh_.

 

“Oh.”

 

“With coming to school, I missed my shit and I just... completely forgot.”

 

“No, yeah. That - that makes sense.” He swallows thickly and shrinks out of the way of a skateboarder. “Fuck, what are we going to do?”

 

“We?” Rey asks. She sounds surprised.

 

“It... it is mine, right?” He swears the Earth stops turning as he waits on her response.

 

“Of course, you prat!” she exclaims. “I’ve never been with anyone but you, Ben. Don’t be like that.”

 

“Then yes, what are _we_ going to do, Rey?” Is sense of relief is almost confusing.

 

“I can’t have a baby, Ben. I’m too young - we are too young. I can’t.” She sounds so firm, like she’s already decided. He can imagine her, holding an infant. His thick dark hair, her hazel eyes, hopefully her ears. It resonates, aches in his chest. Ben isn’t surprised at all that he wants that. With her.

 

“Rey, that’s... we made that.” He feels stupid even saying it. He knows it’s not his choice, he has no voice in what she does with her body. “Just think about it, okay? Please. For me.”

 

“What would we do with a baby?” She sniffles. She’s crying in London, pregnant without him. He should come, he should show up next week. He can help her, he know he can.

 

“Raise it. Love it. I don’t fucking know, just think about it.” Ben wants to reach through the phone and shake her. Remind her they made this baby, sure on accident, but out of love. They have so much love.

 

“Ok Ben. I’ll think about it.”

 

“Thank you.”


	7. Logan to Givernment Center

7 - **Logan** **to** **Government** **Center**

 

 _consider_ _this_ _a_ _letter_ _that_ _I_ _never_ _sent_. _How_ _inconsiderate_ _it_ _seems_. _Do_ _you_ _still_ _consider_ _me_ , _consider_ _me_ _the_ _boy_ _you_ _laughed_ _with_ , _or_ _that_ _you_ _learned_ _to_ _live_ _without_?

 

 

 **May** , **2015**

 

 

Ben drags Poe along with him to the party for moral support. It’s formal dress, so he’s wearing a suit, and so is Poe. His former college roommate is happy with an excuse to get dressed up, even if it means flying to Michigan for his former-girlfriend and step sister’s birthday party.

 

“I needed a vacation,” Poe assures him. “And any excuse to wear my Tom Ford.” Ben just rolls his eyes but he’s grateful, picking him up from DTW, pre-rolled joint in the ashtray of the Falcon. They cruise down I-94 with the windows down, air rustling their hair and a mixtape circa 2006 in the tape deck.

 

“You take nostalgia to a whole new level,” Poe shouts over the wind and the music. Ben just smiles and sings along.

 

It’s hard to believe he’ll be seeing Rey tomorrow. Five years is a long time, and the last time they met - in London, her and Hux’s flat - seems like a different person. Different people. Both of them.

 

“So what’s the plan?” Poe asks when they get to his apartment. It’s above an old bookstore in downtown Ann Arbor - forty minutes from Rey now, it turns out, and here Ben thought she was still in the UK all this time. The pipes rattle on the walls and sometimes the wind cuts through, a frigid draft, but the built in book cases and custom, old fashioned crown moulding won him over easily.

 

“Tomorrow? The party is at our parents’ house. Mom probably hired a caterer and rented tents. She does nothing halfway,” Ben adds in a sarcastic tone. Poe knows this - they might have been roomies one year but they became close, stayed good friends. It helped that Poe was so understanding of the Rey situation, once he found out they were step siblings. Hadn’t really batted an eye.

 

“No, I mean,” Poe sighs dramatically, “the girl, you dunce. What are you going to say to Rey?”

 

“Um, happy birthday?” Ben chuckles at Ppe’s exasperated face. “I don’t know man. It all depends. She could - I don’t know, she could see me and remember all the reasons she has to hate me.”

 

“Which are...?” Poe cups a hand around his ear like he’s listening, but Ben just shakes his head. “Exactly. You did nothing wrong. Except for the abortion thing, but that shit is hard on everyone.”

 

“I shouldn’t have shown up there,” he thinks aloud, cringing. So misguided. “I shouldn’t have tried to convince her. I was so young, so stupid...”

 

“So hopelessly gone on her.” Poe smiles at the memory, dark eyes sparkling. “The phone sex you guys had even triggered some confusing boners for me.”

 

“Oh, gross.” Ben decks him. “I always thought you were sleeping.”

 

“Yeah, well. I don’t even like pussy, but you made eating out sound very fun.”

 

“Dude!” Ben exclaims. “No more. I beg.”

 

“Fine.” Poe’s shoulders shake as he laughs. “You were a pitiful fuck for a while. Do you still love her?”

 

“Of course,” Ben says, no second thoughts. He’s loved her since he was sixteen. Since he was a kid. Since she stuck her tongue out at him during their parents wedding. Rey will always be his girl, his what-if. It’s hard still to check out another woman without comparing the two.

 

“Then you gotta tell her, man. That’s all there is to it.” Poe brushes his hands on his jeans. “And I will be your wing man. I will help you through it, because I too am emotionally invested in this dumpster fire.”

 

“Thanks so much,” Ben snorts.

 

“Trust me. You need all the help you can get.”

 

 

 

——

 

 

 **February** , **2005**

 

“Are you sure?” Ben asks for the hundredth time. Rey rolls her eyes, nods. Leia and Han are gone for a romantic weekend getaway, Valentine’s Day weekend. It’s the perfect time to finally introduce her to weed.

 

“What if I want to come down, but I can’t?” she had asked him anxiously.

 

“You won’t want to come down,” he assures her. With graduation looming in a few months, Rey just wants to spend every available minute with him. She wants to go to London for school, she’s all but chosen Imperial College, but the idea of leaving him and abandoning their plans of going together to NYU, being in the big city where no one knows them and they can really be together... it’s very tempting.

 

Pretending that they’re nothing to each other every day is exhausting. Ben gets jealous over every little thing. Any time a guy - other than Finn of course - tries to talk to her, he has a million questions and a sullen attitude next time they’re alone. Ben picks fights with her when they’re around their parents. He teases her for being a nerd. Makes fun of her friends, the music she listens to... “Music doesn’t have to be angry screaming all the time,” Rey informs him as she bops her head to Hollaback Girl.

 

But when they are alone, like tonight, and he puts on something soft like Dashboard Confessional and holds her close like he can’t ever get enough of her... it makes going to London on her own seem like a big mistake.

 

Ben has a baggy with a big green nugget in it. He breaks it down on a dvd case with a silver grinder, then pulls a packet of papers out of his back jeans pocket. Rey watches, fascinated, as he sprinkles the ground up bud into the V of the paper.

 

She’s seen him do it a hundred times. Just never once with the intent to share.

 

He carefully licks the edge and starts to rock the paper until it seems to roll up on itself. He lights a zippo and runs it over the edge to seal it. She’s seen him do it a hundred times before with a bored, please hurry up kind of energy. Now, she can’t take her eyes off of his long fingers and what they hold.

 

“Are you absolutely sure you want to smoke the devil’s lettuce?” Ben asks. They’re both sitting criss-cross applesauce on his bed, knee to knee, and Rey tucks her loose brown hair behind her ears and nods eagerly. It feels like they’re having a legit moment, one she’ll look back on and remember years from now. She watches silently while Ben sparks the joint and takes a deep pull. He lets the smoke ease out of his lungs with a sigh.

 

Rey plucks it carefully from his fingers and holds it like a cigarette, putting it to her lips. She sucks in and her mouth fills with sour, burnt tasting smoke. She coughs it out and gags while Ben chuckles at her expense.

 

“You gotta breathe it. Inhale.” He takes a dramatic breath, chest rising up, and Rey holds the joint again to her mouth and does a deep breath. It burns going down, it burns in her lungs, and she holds it until she has to breathe and winds up barking out harsh coughs while Ben takes the spliff. They pass it back and forth until Rey feels light headed, loose, silly. Her eyes blink slowly, half-mast, and Ben gives her a knowing look.

 

“My little stoner,” he coos. He lets the roach burn out in the ash tray and leans forward to cup her cheeks. It feels so good, even though it almost feels like she’s experiencing it from a distance, or through water. He kisses her, tongues sliding languid and lazy. Everything feels so nice.

 

“I wanna make love,” Rey whimpers as he lays her back. “Can you give me soft and sweet?”

 

“I can give you anything you want,” Ben promises. He kisses her cheeks and then her lips again. His hand caresses up her ribs, pushing up his shirt along the way, cupping the small mound of her breast. She moans when his palm rasps over her nipple, the stimulation so much more intense than normal. His lips are gentle, kissing down her throat. He helps her out of her T-shirt, which is actually his, before he’s back on top of her raining down kisses.

 

“I love you, Rey,” Ben murmurs into her soft skin. It feels like worship as he touches every piece of her. “I love your breasts. And your belly.” He kisses her belly button softly. “I love your ass and your legs.”

 

“I love you too, Ben.” She shivers under his large, warm hands. He peels her shorts down her legs and smiles down at her bare crotch.

 

“I love when you don’t wear panties.” Ben settles on his belly and kisses a hot trail up her thigh, pulling open to his dark gaze. “I love your tight little pussy. I love how you always get wet for me.”

 

She moans as he swipes a tongue over the hardened nub of her clit. Ben loves eating her out, claiming it’s the best prep for his cock. It certainly eases the way for her, making the stretch a bit less achey, makes her want it more.

 

By the time he’s lapping up her orgasm, she’s practically begging him for the dick. Of course, he smirks down at her. “Tell me how bad you want it,” he demands, and Rey moans out with want.

 

“I want it so bad, Ben. Please, give it to me, now!” She uses her feet to push his basketball shorts down, erection bouncing out and stretching up towards his belly button. Rey licks her lips as he strokes himself a few times, then hunches down to lick her throat as he lines their bodies up.

 

“Gonna show you my love now, baby.” He pushes into her. It takes some working back and forth, shallow thrusts as she parts her legs as far as she can, holding her thighs open so he can fully fill her. The pain is quick, recedes quickly as he thumbs her clit. She jolts at the electric sensation that chases through her.

 

They thrust together, falling into a slow, easy rhythm that makes Rey sweat. Her brow furrows in concentration as she feels the pressure building, low and hot in her needy womb. She’s on the shot. She wants to feel him finish with her. “Come inside me, Ben.”

 

“What?” he gasps, hips stuttering and stopping. Rey whines needily.

 

“I’m safe, I’m on the shot,” she tells him, thrust her hips up to egg him on. She clenches down and his eyes roll back. So fucking hot, she thinks as he rakes his hair off his face. His washboard abs contract with the effort not to pound into her.

 

“You’re sure?”

 

“Positive. Give it to me,” Rey begs. “I wanna feel you fill me up so much.” Together, they set a more brutal pace, skin slapping together until her climax wins out, rushing over her intensely, making her shiver and shake beneath him.

 

When he pulses inside of her, Rey watches his beautiful face contort with a reverent, overwhelming pleasure. His jaw hangs open, eyes squeezed shut, eyebrows lifted. He pants out harshly as warmth floods her in bursts.

 

“You’re amazing,” Ben breathes. He collapses on top of her, heavy frame pinning her to the mattress in a satisfying way. She brushes a hand over his back, smiling up at the ceiling. “Let’s do that every time from now on.”

 

Rey hums her agreement, curling around him.

 

“I can’t wait until we can really be together,” Ben says, sighing into her neck. He rolls off her, soft cock slipping out of her and smearing their cum on her thigh. “When I can take you on a real date. Show you off how you should be.”

 

“I don’t need that,” Rey says. She rolls her head and their eyes meet. “All I need is you. Knowing you’re on my dude, always.”

 

“Is there another side? Who else would I choose over you?” Ben chuckles and brushes an errant lock off her face. They finish the roach together, lying on their backs, sweat cooling on their overheated skin. Discussing the future when everyone will know they’re together. Moving somewhere no one would know they were step-siblings. Where nobody would care.

 

Rey lets her have the fantasy for now. She’ll have to come down sooner or later, but for now... it’s a good dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from “Logan to Government Center,” by Brand New


	8. No Seatbelt Song

8 - **No** **Seatbelt** **Song**

 

 _so_ _take_ _me_ _and_ _break_ _me_ _and_ _make_ _me_ _strong_ _like_ _you_. _I’ll_ _be_ _forever_ _grateful_ _to_ _this_ _and_ _you_. _It’s_ _only_ _you_ , _beautiful_. _Or_ _I_ _don’t_ _want_ _anyone_. _If_ _I_ _can_ _choose_ , _it’s_ _only_ _you_. _Fix_ _me_ _to_ _a_ _chain_ _around_ _your_ _neck_ _and_ _wear_ _me_ _like_ _a_ _nickel_.

 

 

 **September** , **2014**

 

“Dammit, Rey.” Hux sighs, pinching the bone in his nose like he always does when he’s annoyed, or overtired. Which seems constantly, these days. She tries not to wither or flinch under his scrutiny, forcing her face into a blank slate he can’t use against her.

 

“He’s not going to stay with us,” Rey says. “Just coming to visit. I haven’t been home in almost two years.” She pushes rice around on her plate, chasing the grains to distract from him stormy expression.

 

“So I’m the bad guy because I’m too busy to play tour guide,” Hux says. He slams the heel of his fist on the dinner table, rattling the plates and silverware, making Rey flinch. She pales and swallows down the nervous feeling that makes bile creep up her throat.

 

“I don’t expect you to do anything,” Rey says. “Just that I wouldn’t be home for dinner tomorrow evening.”

 

“What am I supposed to do? Work all day and then come home to slave over my own dinner?” He chuckles darkly, shaking his head. “No, love, that won’t do. I work so you can stay home and run the household. Should have kids by now, but your deficient uterus apparently is as useless as your degree.”

 

Rey tries not to wince as he spits words at her like venom. She won’t cry - it doesn’t help, doesn’t make him realize how mean he’s being. Just makes him worse, makes him accuse her of being manipulative. She sniffles and folds her hands in her lap.

 

She had wanted children, years ago when they were first married. But as the years wore on, it was impossible to imagine what Hux would be like as a father. Cruel and demanding, like he is as a husband? No child deserves that. She’s glad she’s gone back on the shot, that she doesn’t have to tell him about the birth control. It’s the only thing she can take care of on her own, without his knowledge. He would never agree to it. And Rey isn’t ready.

 

“I’m sorry you’re upset, but it’s my father. I’m going to see him. You can order a pizza or Chinese take out, just for one evening.” She keeps her voice steady and her gaze down. Rey doesn’t want to meet his gaze.

 

“Fine. See if I fucking care.” He shoves back from the table and stomps to their room. Rey picks up their dirty dinner dishes, scraping them into a Tupperware. She washes the dishes, puts them in the washer, wipes down the table. With Hux doing who knows what, she settles onto the couch and pulls out her phone to call her dad.

 

“Hey, kiddo,” Han greets when he picks up. Rey is struck by how much she misses him, and Leia - and Ben - in that instant. She feels the salty sting of tears behind her eyes.

 

“Hi Dad.” She tries to sound more cheerful than she is. “Dinner tomorrow sounds really nice. Do you have an idea where you want to go?”

 

“You know me, Rey. Give me a greasy burger and I’m in heaven.” His warm chuckle sends goosebumps down her arms.

 

“Ok, that sounds wonderful.” They chat a moment longer before Hux stomps our of the bedroom. His stroking his cock, glaring at her, and she mumbles a hasty goodbye to her father before falling to her knees in front of him. She hates giving blow jobs, but it’s better than the rough sex he’s into lately. She sucks him off with a practiced hand, and then he passes out in front of the nightly news.

 

*

 

The restaurant is crowded and Han is waiting for her in a red vinyl booth. He waves to her and she hurries over, phone burning a hole in her jacket pocket. Hux has been texting since she left the apartment, veiled threats and “you’ll be sorry.” Rey wishes she could ignore the lead weight of dread in her stomach.

 

She’s never seen him so mad before. Not even when he’s hit her, in the past. She swallows as her mouth floods with saliva and her belly heaves. Rey tried to breathe through it all.

 

“Jesus, Rey. You look awful.” Han frowns as his eyes sweep over her. She’s dressed in a modest yellow dress with tights and flats, hair half up in a ponytail. She knows she’s lost some weight. But she doesn’t think she looks that bad.

 

But Han isn’t like Hux. He wouldn’t say it just to fill her up with doubt.

 

“I haven’t had much of an appetite lately,” Rey explains.

 

“You look like a twig. Sit down, let’s get a burger in you.” Han tries to smile but she can see how worried he is. Her father, much like herself, isn’t the best at hiding his emotions. Han flags the waitress down and orders burgers and fries, two chocolate milkshakes. Rey does not have the heart to tell him how turbulent her stomach is at the moment.

 

“Leia has been missing you,” Han says conversationally.

 

“I’ve been so busy,” she mumbles. Really, Leia is far too perceptive. Her mother’s intuition lets her know before Rey even speaks that something is up. It’s quite off putting.

 

“Too busy for a phone call?” Han asks, arching an eyebrow. Rey glances down at her lap, ashamed.

 

Her phone buzzes and Rey pulls it from her pocket. More missed calls and texts. Her shoulders slump and she sets the phone on the tabletop. It’s like slow torture. It vibrates a few more times and Han quirks an eyebrow.

 

“Hux okay?”

 

“Yes, just.. not pleased with me.” Rey flashes a tight smile.

 

“Married life, huh?” Han chuckles and takes a swig from his beer. The phone vibrates again.

 

“He’s just upset I’m not there to make his dinner,” Rey says with a weak chuckle. She picks up the phone and scrolls hastily through the angry messages. She swallows hard.

 

“He ever put his hands on you?” Han asks carefully. Rey glances down; she could never lie to his face. “That son of a bitch.”

 

“Is nothing dad, honestly,” Rey shakes her head fiercely. “Just - just a spat. You know how it is.”

 

“I don’t. Because I’ve never hit a woman, especially one that I claim to love.” He finishes his beer and slams it on the tabletop. “Why didn’t you tell me, honey? Why are you still with him?”

 

Because I don’t know how to be alone, Rey thinks. Because I’m an ocean away from everyone I know. Because I can’t be with the man I love.

 

“It’s hard. Some days,” she says softly, “I don’t know if I’ve made it all up in my head. If Hux is right, and I’m just.... misremembering how things have happened.” She sniffles and splays her hands on the stainless steel counter top. “Sometimes it seems like I’m going mad.”

 

“Rey, that’s not normal. That’s not healthy.” Han shakes his head sadly. “Why don’t you come home? Get some distance from him?”

 

She didn’t realize that she is hoping and waiting for those exact words until they’re out of his mouth. She reaches for his hand across the table and her face crumples, relieved tears flowing freely now. All she wants, all she’s wanted for so long, is to come back home.

 

 

 

——

 

 

 **March** , **2006**

 

 

“Rey,” one of the RAs, a doughy faced guy named Dopheld says as he raps his knuckles on her open dormitory door. “There’s a young man downstairs to see you.”

 

Phasma and Rey exchange raised eyebrows before she pulls on a sweater and heads down. Somehow, she’s both supremely surprised and incredibly annoyed to see Ben standing here, studying the notice board.

 

“Hey!” he exclaims once she taps his arm. He hunkers down and wraps her up in his long arms, lifting her up from the floor. “My spring break is this week, so I thought I’d come visit.”

 

“Mine was last week,” Rey points out. She knows why he’s here. The thing growing inside of her like a parasite, stealing her energy and making be vomit at random throughout the day. She’s scheduled the appointment - three days from now, actually, but hasn’t told Ben yet. Rey doesn’t know how to break the news.

 

“I know. But I figured... I just wanted to see you, Rey.” Ben kisses her cheek and she blushes. No one knows that he’s her stepbrother here. It’s just so strange to kiss publicly after hiding for years. “I’m staying in a hotel. Can you come stay? Order room service, watch a movie?”

 

It sounds perfect. Rey nods and heads upstairs to grab a change of clothes and her purse, as well as inform Phasma.

 

“He’s going to try to talk you out of it,” she warns. “Be strong. Remember your reasons. Call a cab and come home any time you want.” The blonde offers a rare hug, and Rey sighs into the embrace. If no one else is, at least Phasma is on her side.

 

Ben hails a taxi across town and it’s drizzling. They make out a bit in the back of the cab, ignoring the disgruntled “hmphs,” coming from the driver. Ben leaves a big tip and they dash inside, dripping on the stone floors. Ben presses her into the back of the elevator after hitting the proper button, and Rey floats on the blissful sensation of his full lips moving against her own. It’s so nice, this physical reprieve, taking her mind off the reality in he belly. When the doors slide open, they stumble into the hall and nearly knock down an older couple. The woman gasps as Rey drags Ben, apologizing the whole way, down the hall.

 

“You’re so rude,” he mumbles against her mouth.

 

“Which is your room?” Rey pants.

 

Ben lets them in and they shed their layers until they’re skin to skin. He pulls back, gazing at her breasts, surprised. “They’re bigger already. Your nipples are darker.”

 

She covers her meager chest with an arm as she blushes, shy. “I know. It’s awful.”

 

“It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful, Rey.” He pulls her hand away and leans down to press a kiss to the tip of her hardening nipple. It pebbles up in response. Ben’s hands roam the planes of her body until she’s whimpering, begging him. He rolls her on her side and slides down the length of her, hitching her top leg up.

 

“I missed you,” Rey says as his hard cock sheathes inside her warm, wet body. She’s so horny she can’t think straight, panting though they’ve only just begun. Ben, spurred on by her desperation, bucks into her eagerly.

 

“Had to see you,” he grunts, chest rubbing her back like a warm, hard blanket. “Fuck, Rey. You always feel so good. You were made to take this dick.”

 

His words invoke a wild, wanton side of Rey she didn’t know existed. She moans loud and long, back arching hard as he palms her ass. Fortunately, there is no headboard to smack against the wall, but the springs squeak in protest of their rough movements. Too soon, she’s clamping down around him, drawing a guttural groan from deep in his chest. He pulls out and she feels him frantically jerking off as ropes of spend land half on her back and side.

 

“Ben!” she snaps. “What the hell?”

 

“It just seems disrespectful. With a baby in there.”

 

Rey rolls her eyes. “Order something while I wash up,” she instructs.

 

“Yes ma’am.”

 

She pads into the bathroom, shutting the door with a click, and starts the shower. It heats quickly and she steps under the spray, using the tiny sliver of hotel soap to wash away his cum.

 

Disrespectful. Because he already came in her once and made a baby.

 

The thought makes her sick, but from guilt this time. Not hormones.

 

Rey decides to let them enjoy the evening. She can tell him about the appointment tomorrow, have the dreaded conversation over breakfast before her morning lab. If he’s not too pissed, they can fuck some more, take advantage of this stolen time together. Make it count.

 

He can come to the appointment and hold her hand through the procedure. The thought makes her feel the smallest bit better, as she turns the faucet off and grabs a small towel from the stack.

 

Tonight, she just wants to enjoy the company of the man she loves. Uncomplicated - a rarity for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from “No Seatbelt Song,” by Brand New


	9. Seventy Times 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I REALLY can’t stress enough how sad this chapter is. 
> 
> Tw: abortion. If you don’t want to read about it, skip the second half of the chapter. In summary, Rey has an abortion and a shit ton of guilt about it, as does Ben, who doesn’t want her to do it. He heads back to the US on rocky terms.

9 - **Seventy** **Times**   **7**

 

 _i_ _remember_ _I_ _kept_ _thinking_ _that_ _I_ _know_ _you_ _never_ _would_ _and_ _now_ _I_ _know_ _I_ _wanna_ _kill_ _you_ _like_ _only_ _a_ _best_ _friend_ _could_.

 

 

 **May** , **2010**

 

Afterwards, Rey pulls her robe back on and slides out of bed to make tea. The crush of guilt is overwhelming as she stands in the kitchen, chewing her nails and glaring at the cheery little kettle that Hux got her for Christmas last year.

 

He’s an asshole, but Rey supposes she must be, too.

 

She’s married - though she didn’t invite Ben and they never really spoke of her relationship with Hux. Just her saying, “I’m seeing someone now, it’s serious,” and him breathing on the other end of the phone for a few moments before hanging up. He’s not on Facebook, so he wouldn’t know what’s going on with her. Doesn’t reach out to his mother.

 

She hears him fastening his belt as he comes into the kitchen. Ben presses a kiss to the back of her neck before falling into one of the chairs at the table.

 

“It always feels like no time has gone by,” he says thoughtfully. “Like we always pick back up right where we left off.”

 

Rey disagrees to herself. She feels like a completely different person.

 

She doesn’t want to say it, but feels that she must. One of them has to be the grown up, the adult. Even though she’s six months younger, it always feels like she’s the one stuck with that responsibility.

 

“This is the last time, Ben.” She glances up at him, seeing his eyebrows twitch up to his hairline. “We can’t keep doing this. I’m sorry, you know I love you. You know I wish things were different.”

 

“That’s it? You’re - you’re breaking up with me?” Ben’s voice is incredulous. His cheeks flush angry red.

 

“I’m with Hux now. We’re married, and -“

 

“Married?” Ben cries out, disbelief colors his tone and his face is pinched with hurt. “When did you get married?”

 

“I have a real relationship with him.” She snatches the kettle as it begins to whistle. Things might not be great with Hux, but they’ll get better. At least she can kiss him in front of her parents, hold his hand in the supermarket without the paranoia that they’re going to be caught. It’s a relationship that she’s always wanted, public and open and not built on secrets and sneaking around.

 

Rey had decided that if she couldn’t have Ben - really, truly have him - then she deserved to be with someone she didn’t have to hide.

 

Not to mention, a dark voice reminds her, you murdered the baby he wanted to keep. She never fucking deserved him.

 

“We have a real relationship.” He clears his throat but she can hear the emotion in his voice. “We have something more real than most people have, Rey. What do you want? What do I have to do to get you to come home to me?”

 

Rey sniffles and shakes her head as she pours them each a mug and grabs two tea bags out of the jar on the counter. Her hands quiver as she sets his drink down in front of him.

 

“I want a relationship with someone that I don’t have to feel ashamed of. You know what it would do to Leia and Dad? Finding out all this time we were sneaking around right under their noses?” She shakes her head and bushes her hands with dunking her tea bag. Imagining the pain it would bring their parents makes her sick. They’re both crying now. It’s unbearable.

 

“I don’t care. Fuck them, Rey - I want you. I only want you.” Ben slides onto his knees and hugs her legs, dark head in her lap. His cheek presses into her thigh and she cards her fingers through his hair, damp with sweat and still so soft. She feels his shoulders hitch up as he sobs into her legs, and her lips tremble as she tries to restrain her own overwhelming emotions. It would be so much better if they just didn’t love each other so much. If they could just walk away from this, leave it in the shadows where it began.

 

Her heart feels like it’s shattering into a million pieces. Hurting him this way makes her sick to her stomach. All she wants - all she’s ever wanted - is to be with Ben. Loving Ben is as easy as breathing. Unfortunately, it feels like hurting him comes just as easily to her. Rey has hated herself for so long that it’s a dull throb with each beat of her heart. Ending it now is the only kind mercy she can give him. Even if it shreds them both.

 

“I love you Ben,” Rey says in a voice tight with tears, “but we both deserve to have a relationship where we can be shown off. Where we’re not afraid of what people would think.” She doubles over, resting her cheek on top of his head.

 

“If you think you can live a life without me in it... if you think you’ll be happier with someone else,” Ben whispers, struggling over the words, “then that’s what I want. I want you to be happy, even if that means - even if that means I don’t get to be involved.”

 

Her heart feels like someone is squeezing it, crushing it, stomping on it. The world has been utterly unfair to them both.

 

She holds him while they both cry, until she has no tears left. The only thing left to do is say goodbye.

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

 **March** , **2006**

 

The clinic is sterile and depressing. Ben doesn’t know what to do or say. He feels gutted.

 

Logically, he understands that it’s not his decision. It’s Rey’s body, it’s her choice. He doesn’t have to agree with it. But he feels sick as she heads back to the room for the procedure. He can’t come with her.

 

The conversation had been perfunctory. Short and to the point. She told him she doesn’t want a baby right now, that both of their educations are more important. She doesn’t want to give up the life she has, she doesn’t want to tell their parents. Ben swallows it down roughly, fighting the lump in his throat. He’d give up everything for her - for the life they created.

 

He’s not angry. He’s sad.

 

A barrage of images floods his mind. What it would be like, three of them. Maybe a little boy, dressed in blue, obsessed with trains. Going to the park on a sunny summer day. Opening presents under a sparkling, heavily decorated Christmas tree. What would it be like, sharing that experience with Rey? Would they be good parents? What would her slender body look like, round and full with the evidence of their love?

 

“I do want children,” Rey had said. His heart had aches as silent tears rolled down her cheeks. “I want your children, Ben. Some day... some day when everyone knows we’re together. And we’re married.” She squeezes his hand so tight, let him kiss the wet tracks off her cheeks, held him close. He never bought a return ticket, unsure how long he would be staying. At least until she’s recovered, he thinks. Longer if she’ll let him.

 

It doesn’t feel real. Like a scene out of a cheap teen drama, the ones she was so addicted to in high school.

 

Phasma had tried to come along too, but Ben put a stop to that instantly. “I’m here now. This is my fault. Let me take care of it.”

 

“You better take damn good care of her, Organa.” Phasma is only an inch shorter than him, and she jabs a finger in his chest menacingly while they wait for Rey to finish throwing up in the bathroom. Her morning sickness makes her weak and pitiful. Ben can barely tolerate how helpless it makes him feel.

 

It doesn’t take long. She walks out of the recovery room an hour later, looking pale. Ben insists on getting a cab, then carrying her into the hotel, the whole way through the elevator and into his room. She curls up on the bed, silent and hugging her stomach. Ben lays beside her, staring at the ceiling. It takes him too long to realize that she’s crying.

 

“I killed our baby,” she sobs out. “I’m a monster - I never deserved you, Ben. Either of you.” Her face is red and splotchy and she’s full on ugly crying, and he rocks her, petting her greasy brown hair as she lets out everything that’s been bottled up inside of her. She’d been so hollow and so matter of fact that he never could’ve predicted this. It’s infinitely worse than her flat mood before.

 

“We’ll have more. A house full, of you want,” Ben promises. “I’ll be the stay at home dad and you’ll be the breadwinner. Anything you want, sweetheart.”

 

That only makes her sob harder.

 

Nothing he says fixes it, or makes it better. She cries and beats on the bed with her little fists. She’s hysterical. Ben punches a hole through the wall and storms down to the bar, feeling impotent rage, mostly directed at himself.

 

It feels like he’s losing her.

 

*

 

Ben flies home two days later. Rey won’t look at him, doesn’t see him off from the airport. His heart breaks as he stares at the dark, turbulent ocean below the plane, wishing it would swallow him up.

 

 


	10. Secondary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW cheating
> 
> Also happiness :)

10 - **Secondary**

 

 _better_ _scenes_... _I_ _wish_ _she’d_ _seen_ _me_. _Better_ _off_ _if_ _I_ _just_ _let_ _it_ _be_. _Better_ _pretend_ _it_ _didn’t_ _matter_. _I’d_ _be_ _better_ _off_ _if_ _I_ _could_ _have_ _her_. _Better_ _days_ _since_ _the_ _day_ _I_ _met_ _her_. _I_ _hope_ _she_ _got_ _my_ _letters_.

 

 **May** , **2005**

 

Ben slams the door and stomps down the steps towards the driveway. He ignores the sound of Rey behind him, calling his name.

 

“Ben! Let me explain, please!” She’s crying and tears make her voice squeaky. He pushes away the part of him that instantly wants to comfort her. Because right now - fuck Rey.

 

He hops behind the wheel and guns the engine to life. Cranks the stereo as loud as it goes, peels out before Rey can reach the passenger side. She chases him up the driveway, and he watches as he pulls out as she hugs her arms tight around her body, face crumpled and tear soaked.

 

She should feel bad, he thinks. After everything they’ve been through together - after falling in love, having to keep it hidden like some dirty secret when its the most precious thing in the world - they finally have a chance at freedom. Of really being together. And she’s thrown it all away.

 

For a while, Ben just speeds around the back roads while his anger boils over. He punches the dashboard, relishing in the burning ache to his knuckles while Blood Brothers blares. It’s possible he’s never been quite this pissed on his entire life. It takes a long time to calm down - by then, the sun is setting and he’s getting low on gas. Ben double back towards town, pulling into a gas station/liquor store, which is a kind of popular meeting place for the youth in town. Depending on the cashier of the moment, he might be able to score a bottle.

 

He trudges inside to prepay and scope out the scene. An older guy is working - no luck there. He slides a twenty across the counter and indicates which pump, and heads back out. With the nozzle in the tank, he leans against the side of the Falcon and sighs.

 

What the fuck is he going to do about Rey?

 

She’d waited all this time to break the news that she wouldn’t be going to NYU with him. Their parents would have set them up with an apartment - they could’ve lived together, just the two of them, like a real fucking couple. They’re only eighteen, but so what? Ben knows he wants Rey in a forever kind of way. He won’t change his mind.

 

“Hey.”

 

Ben glances up, so deep in thought he hadn’t heard Jessika Pava approaching. She’s wearing ripped up leggings under a jean skirt and a low cut polo that shows off her big boobs.

 

“Hey.” He isn’t really in the mood.

 

“So, a couple of us are heading back to my place - Mom works midnights, and we got a handle of Five O’clock.” She tilts her head, grinning at him, and Ben inwardly sighs. Getting drunk sounds like the best possible idea right now.

 

He follows Phasma in her shitty Accord across town to Jess’s house. Jess is in his passenger seat, and she won’t shut up. Ben stares at the road ahead until they get to Jess’s, and he pulls in the driveway behind Phasma. He feels surly and sullen as he follows the giggling girls up the steps and into her house. It’s neat, everything a little dated, but nice. The girls flock to the kitchen, giggling and pouring out shots and cups of chaser.

 

They listen to rap and dance around. They want to prank call some guys from school - Ben watches them, getting steadily drunk. He hardly even thinks of Rey - only to remember what she’s done, how betrayed and rejected he feels.

 

Fucking London? Who goes to college in London when they know not a single soul there?

 

By the time they’re all drunk, Pava is draped over his lap in just her panties. The other girls have fucked off, it’s just the two of them.

 

“I always thought you were so hot, Ben.” She rubs against him, breasts soft and dull against his chest. Such a foreign feeling - Rey’s perfect tits fill his palms and he likes that, likes how skinny she is and small compared to him. It makes him feel big. Strong.

 

She sucks on his neck, too much teeth, coming on too strong. He likes making the moves, likes to be the one to work Rey up into a frenzy. He should move Jess off him but maybe this is what he needs. Fuck Rey out of his system. See how it feels with someone else.

 

That’s how he winds up fucking her, right there on the couch. He clenches her hips as she rides him, tits bouncing in his facing and moaning, too loud and over dramatic. If he wasn’t drunk he’d roll his eyes. But he tries to maintain his erection and has to imagine its Rey riding him.

 

He cums but it takes forever. He pulls out when he does, missing Rey and her responsible birth control regimen. They pass out, tangled limbs on the sofa. It’s not until Ben wakes up the next morning that he realizes what a mess he’s made.

 

*

 

With a hangover for the record books, Ben drags himself home. He might still be a little drunk, but he has to get away from Jess. He leaves her snoring on the couch as the sun is beginning to rise.

 

He doesn’t know what he’ll tell his mom, but he’s more concerned with Rey. When he reaches his bedroom, he’s unsurprised to find her curled up in his blankets. Her face is puffy, like she had been crying a lot. He touches her cheek, feeling like a piece of shit, then takes a quick shower. It feels wrong to have Jess all over him when he wants to crawl into bed beside Rey.

 

Hair wet, he pulls on a pair of boxers and slides under the blanket. It smells like both of them. He curves around her frame, tugging her into his chest like a cocoon. They don’t have long before Han and Leia will be up for their days of work.

 

“Where were you?” Rey whispers hoarsely.

 

Ben buries his face in her long dark hair. His stomach is already greasy from drinking, but having to say it out loud makes him want to heave. He can’t say it, he won’t.

 

She twists around and cups his chin, staring at him hard. She’s searching his face for something when her eyes lower to his neck. They widen the slightest bit. She presses fingers to his throat and it’s sore - Ben’s body goes numb. Rey licks her lips slowly, looks like she’s going to say something... but doesn’t. Instead, she climbs over him and out of his bed. Out of his room.

 

He doesn’t call after her.

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

 **May** , **2015**

 

 

“Rey, you need to chill,” Finn says, putting his hands on her shoulders. She’s wearing a Maxie dress, off the shoulder in a vibrant peacock pattern. Her hair is styled on loose waves that fall over her shoulder, and Leia had a make up artist come over to do both of their faces. She claimed it was a way to reinvent herself, and Rey has never been fond of make up - but the results make her look pretty, hazel eyes sparkling under dark, smokey eye makeup. She grabs a glass of champagne as a waiter passes by with a tray and drains it, much to Finn’s shock.

 

“He’s not going to come,” Rey mutters. “He’s given up on me, he’s moved on, and he’s not going to show.”

 

“I’m sure he’ll be here.” Finn tries very hard to reassure her, but nothing is calming her frazzled nerves.

 

“What if he shows up with - with a date?” Rey pales under her bronzer. It’s the only thing worse that she can think of than him not coming at all. Her heart beats hard against her ribs and she gives her oldest friend a wide eyed and panicked look.

 

“First of all Peanut, you need to breathe.” He chuckles as she sucks in a dramatic breath.

 

Leia has gone all out for this event, renting a tent and tables for the back yard, and a DJ. She invited half the town, it seems - high school friends she hasn’t seen since graduation. Phasma has sent her best wishes from London, where she works for the government. The Tico sisters are there, looking much the same, enjoying the atmosphere. Han and Leia look happy to entertain, happy to host all the younger people. As long as Rey is happy.

 

The party has been in full swing for an hour, and Rey slips out front to get a breath of air. Her stomach is still a mess, but the champagne helps settle her nerves. She’s leaning against one of the support pillars when a sleek black BMW pulls in. She knows it’s him before he even steps out.

 

He looks good, Rey thinks, watching as he and another man - shorter, stout, with a head of dark curls - walk up the driveway. Ben’s wearing dark slacks and a black shirt and bow tie. Rey waits for him, their eyes meet. It’s like she’s been struck by lightning, heart racing. He smiles, that crooked half-grin that makes her pussy clench.

 

“Hi Rey.”

 

“Hi, Ben.”

 

His friend has a knowing smile on his face, and politely wishes her a happy birthday before disappearing into the house. It’s just the two of them on the porch, and the air is tense between them.

 

“You look exactly the same,” he says. His smile is big, so big it makes her ache. “Beautiful.”

 

“You look like a sexy Bond villain,” Rey says, then blushes at her extreme lack of filter. Ben just chuckles, and closes the distance between them to wrap her in the warmest, tightest hug. Rey lets out a breath she hadn’t known she was holding, sagging against him. It feels good, better than right, remembering how well she fits into his arms.

 

“I missed you,” she whispers. Her heart breaks at the honesty of her own words, all her actions that kept them apart. “I really fucking missed you, Ben.”

 

“I know,” he says. He pulls back at arm’s length to gaze into her sad hazel eyes. His are deep, unending, and Rey can easily lose herself staring at them. “It felt like a piece of my heart was gone, Rey. It’s not something you get used to.”

 

“I made a mistake.” She sniffles and shakes her head regretfully. “I made so many mistakes, Ben. I’m sorry.”

 

“Rey, you don’t -“

 

“Let me speak,” she insists. With his hands on her elbows, thumbs stroking soothingly, she takes a deep breath. “I met Hux about a year after the abortion. I didn’t want to date him, I put him off for a long time. I just - really hated myself for that. I know it was the right thing to do, for me. But I’ll carry that guilt and heartbreak for the rest of my life.”

 

“Rey,” Ben says.

 

“It took him a year to wear me down and i finally agreed to dinner. He - he reminded me a lot of you, when we were young. Intense, like I was the most important thing in the world.” Rey chuckles tearfully. “I thought, since I couldn’t have you in the way I wanted - that I didn’t deserve you at all... I thought that Hux was the next best thing. I was wrong.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me? When you came home for Christmas or when I came and visited?” Ben squeezes her gently. “I would’ve helped you, I would’ve done anything. The thought that you married that monster and suffered on your own...”

 

“I thought if I just tried harder, he would finally be happy and go back to treating me how he did in the beginning. That if I was just perfect, that would fix him.” Rey sighs and swipes at the corners of her eyes. She doesn’t want to ruin her fancy make up. Ben presses his lips together like he has to physically restrain the words that want to tumble out. “Then, I thought I was going crazy. Hux would convince me that I remembered things wrong, or that they never happened to begin with. I know now that it’s another form of abuse, a way to make you distrust yourself... and it worked.”

 

“I’ll kill him,” Ben says, muscle jumping in his jaw as he clenches his teeth.

 

“Han saw right through me. Just like you would have,” Rey adds. “I pushed everyone away because I didn’t want them to see what was happening. I didn’t want to burden anyone. I thought I could handle it.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“No Ben, I’m sorry. I could’ve handled things better. The - the abortion, then ending things with you... I wasn’t a very good person. I made a lot of mistakes.” She stares at their shoes, toes pointed at each other. Ashamed. Heavy-hearted. “But so did you,” she adds softly.

 

Ben seems to crumple in front of her. They never really talked about it - Rey never told how deeply it hurt. “Rey - I was -“ He seems to be searching for the right words as she chews her lips. “I was hurt. And pissed at you. It’s no excuse. It was an awful thing.”

 

She can’t look at him. Even though it happened so long ago, she remembers how badly her heart ached. How sick she felt, betrayed. He wouldn’t even let her explain that she had gotten a full scholarship, that the engineering program was top notch. He had just stalked off, fuming, completely ignoring her. Rey had spent the whole night alternating between worrying and raging in her bedroom. Then he came home, marked up from another girl.

 

Nothing had ever hurt so badly.

 

“I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for everything, Rey. That I couldn’t protect you. That I couldn’t save you from all this heart ache.” She feels two fingers under her chin, and Ben lifts her face so their eyes meet. She swallows at the intensity of the emotions she sees there. “You have been my reason for living, for so long. I couldn’t go on, if I knew you weren’t out in the world.”

 

“I - I want us to try again,” Rey says quickly. She takes his big hand between both of her smaller ones. “I want to do it right, a real relationship, like we always talked about. I want to tell Dad and Leia, and give this a true go.”

 

“Rey, I...” Ben trails off, looking lost for words.

 

“I understand, of course, if after all this time and everything between us, if you don’t want to.” She squeezes gentle around his long fingers. “But I love you, Ben. Always will.”

 

He studies her and then she blinks, he’s dipping down and those full, soft lips are on her own. Rey whimpers as she threads her fingers into his shaggy black locks, tugging him down closer, heart full to burst. Her core floods with heat and arousal as his tongue traces her lips, hands gripping her waist tight enough to bruise. Like she’ll fade away if he doesn’t hold her tight enough.

 

“I love you too,” he whispers against her mouth. “I’ve wanted this for as long as I could remember. Let’s fucking do this.”

 

She giggles, tossing her head back and he licks a hot stripe over her throat. It’s too good to be true, like walking in the best of dreams. Her stomach does a flip of joy. Even in her wildest fantasies, which have been frequent the last few days, she had never thought his reaction would be so immediately eager.

 

They kiss again, tears mixing on both of their cheeks. His hands cup her bottom, dragging her close and pressing their hips together. Rey moans into his mouth, skin aflame. She has a million questions that she asks between kisses.

 

“Did you ever... find anyone else?” Rey asks, breathless.

 

“I tried,” Ben says, squeezing her ass in one big palm. “But nobody compared. It wasn’t the same.”

 

She nips at his earlobe. “Why didn’t you hate me for everything I did to you?”

 

“I could never hate you,” Ben says softly, cupping her cheeks and gazing into her shimmery hazel gaze. He’s even got unshed tears, the dopiest smile. “I hated what happened. I hated the situation. I thought about a million different ways that things could’ve been better. But you’re mine, Rey. My first and only.”

 

Rey melts into him. He’s too pure for this world. “What did I do to deserve you?”

 

“You loved me when I was a piece of shit too, Rey.” He presses a kiss to her forehead, and she remembers the time they never spoke about. The beginning of the rift between them - when he cheated.

 

“That was different, Ben. We were just kids then.” Rey Remembers feeling betrayed, feeling insecure. So scared that she was losing him for her own selfish wants. So scared that she never brought it up again, and neither did he.

 

“Im just saying,” Ben sighs, “neither of us are perfect. But we can try to be, together.” Their lips meet again; slow and unhurried, savoring the feel of being together again after so long.

 

The sudden sound of her name draws her attention, and Rey breaks off with a surprised noise, hazel gaze swinging to the door. Han and Leia stand there, looking gobsmacked, at their children making out like horny teenagers.


	11. Magazines

11 - **Magazines**

 

 _girl_ _come_ _to_ _me_ , _the_ _only_ _broken_ _hearted_ _loser_ _you’ll_ _ever_ _need_. _Or_ _I’ll_ _be_ _left_ _alone_ _forever_ _with_ _my_ _magazines._

 

 

 **September** , **2004**

 

Ben watches Rey shifting nervously across the couch from him. She’s been acting so strange lately. Distant, then suddenly clingy. Annoyed and rolling her eyes and then climbing into bed with him at night. He can’t make sense of her, and it’s starting to piss him off.

 

They’re watching one of the movies he got for his birthday last year - Donnie Darko - and he’s hyper aware of her hand on the cushion, maybe a whole foot away from his. Ben knows it stupid but he swears he can feel the warmth radiating off of her. He can’t stop obsessing over it.

 

Move his hand or not? Take a chance or continue on as they have been, like nothing is between them?

 

Ben might be a dumbfuck, but he’s not oblivious to his own feelings. He never saw Rey asa sister, but what feels lately is decidedly inappropriate for siblings.

 

He’s attracted to her. Physically, emotionally - every piece of him calls out in longing for her. He has fever dreams of what it might be like with Rey. Her sweet, soft skin. Scent of apples that hangs around her. What her most intimate place would taste like.

 

Then he feels like a perve, because Rey is his sister. And she cuddles him, but that’s not exactly the same as sex. They haven’t ever acknowledged their feelings, that something deeper runs between them.

 

Ben knows he shouldn’t rock the boat, but...

 

Suddenly, he flinches as her hand bumps along his. Rey strokes a finger over his pinky, and it’s like his entire hand, shooting up his elbow, is on fire. Tingles wiggle under his skin, the most intense reaction to an innocent touch.

 

“Rey,” he says in a choked voice.

 

“Ben,” she whispers. He glances at her, finds her eyes glued to the TV, so he does the same. Slowly, her palm presses over his knuckles, fingers wrapping around his fingers, and he relaxes as though a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. It feels incredible.

 

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” Rey says. When he looks to her again, she’s staring back at him. Bee-stung lips parted, hazel eyes wide and nervous. “I - I like you, Ben. Not like a sister.”

 

“I know what you mean.” Ben licks his lips and leans towards her. Rey meets him in the middle. Carefully, like if he moves too fast she’ll startle away, he tilts his head until his lips barely brush against hers. Rey sucks in a surprised breath before leaning even closer. His heart pounds, blood thundering through veins.

 

The kiss is soft, and sweet. The first of many, Ben hopes. When he pulls back to study her, she can’t hide her victorious grin. Ben thinks, in that perfect moment, that she is his future.

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

 **December** , **2008**

 

 

Things are weird between them. It’s been two years since the abortion and Rey still feels raw whenever the topic of kids and pregnancy comes up. She comes home for Christmas, let’s Ben fuck her slow and gentle in her old bed, let’s him kiss her and whisper sweet nothings into her hair about how much he loves her, misses her. How he dreams about the day when they can really be together.

 

It feels pointless. They’ll never be together for real. Their parents would hate them. They’d never understand.

 

Rey hates herself too. For killing their baby. For moving to London and not letting herself be vulnerable to Ben. For all the times she did something stupid out of jealousy or resentment.

 

It all comes to a head that Christmas. Rey wakes up and is instantly pissed as he kisses her forehead and sneaks out of her room. She doesn’t want to sneak around. They both deserve something more, something fuller.

 

Rey stews in her bed of dark feelings. Maybe Ben is just using her, until something better comes along. Maybe he can’t look at her the same after she ended the pregnancy. They’ll never be like the couples in the jewelry commercials, maybe he blames her for that too. She glares at him over breakfast, snapping one words comments as her heart gets harder by the minute.

 

“I got you tickets to New York for your spring break,” Ben says when she opens the envelope with her name on it. His smile is so hopeful that it makes her want to scream and rake her nails down his face. “I’ll have classes, but I’m sure there’s something you can do while I’m busy.”

 

“Thanks,” she responds glumly.

 

“You hate it,” Ben says, hunching his shoulders with disappointment.

 

She hates herself for hurting him more.

 

“No, it’s great.” She hugs him, not too long, as Han and Leia are right there watching. “Phasma was talking about going somewhere tropical.”

 

“Oh.”

 

They sit in awkward silence. So many words bubbling on her tongue that Rey swallows back. It’s not until that evening, after Ben bends her over his bed and fucks her rough and wild, making her cum three times before finishing all over her ass, that he brings up spring break.

 

“You should’ve told me you had plans,” he says, sweat cooling on his brow.

 

“They weren’t definite,” she says with a shrug.

 

“Why are you acting like this? Like you don’t even care about me?” Ben asks, voice strained. Rey can’t look at him.

 

“I don’t feel much anymore. Not just about you,” she adds. Her eyes stare at the floor, clean ever since he moved out and no longer trashed it. Half of Rey wants to reassure him; half of her wants to end things, finally, push him away for real.

 

“You need help. Maybe - maybe this is from the... pregnancy.” He is choosing his words carefully. Probably tiptoeing around the real issue. Afraid to set her off.

 

“Why do you do that?” she asks. “Why do you treat me like I’m made of glass?”

 

“Is it so terrible that I don’t want to hurt you?”

 

Rey sniffles. She’s going to cry, but she’s more mad than anything in the moment.

 

“It’s terrible that you’re afraid to be honest with me. I don’t want lies, I want the truth, Ben. Don’t act like I’m going to break.” If she hasn’t by now, she supposes she might never.

 

“The truth is that I love you. That you haven’t been the same since the abortion. You seem unhealthy. I want to help you, baby. But you have to let me in. You have to let me.” Be strokes her shoulder but Rey jerks away from his light touch.

 

“I’m not something to be fixed.” She glares at him and starts dressing quickly. “Poor Rey, she’s so depressed. Well, you’re part of the fucking problem.” Tears fall off her chin, which wobbles with restrained emotion. “You don’t get to fix me when you made me this way.”

 

“I didn’t do anything! I’ve never done anything but love you!” He cups her cheek and grabs her chin, jerking her face up so she’s forced to look at him.

 

“You’re not innocent, Ben.” It’s the closest they’ve ever come to touching this topic. His eyes widen.

 

“No,” Ben says, shaking his head.

 

“I left so I could try to have a real life. A relationship that I didn’t have to hide, didn’t have to feel like a dirty secret.” Rey sniffles and clenches her jaw tightly. “And you’re just holding on to something that’s going to break both our hearts. Something impossible.”

 

His hand drops as though it is scalded. He’s crying, wounded. He takes one look at her before walking out of the room. Rey follows him, staring at the set of his shoulders as he passes through the kitchen. It’s late, but Han and Leia are still up having cocktails, acting all lovey-dovey in the Christmas mood.

 

“She’s dead to me,” Ben spits, pointing an accusing finger at Rey where she hangs in the doorway. “I never want to see or speak or hear about her again.”

 

“Ben,” Leia starts.

 

“Watch your mouth, Ben,” Han says.

 

His penetrating umber gaze meets hers, for the last time in almost two years. “No more, Rey.” Then he disappears to put on his coat and leaves, into the dark and snowy night.


	12. Socco Amaretto Lime

12 - **Socco** **Amaretto** **Lime**

 

_I’m gonna stay eighteen forever. So we can stay like this forever. And we’ll never miss a party ‘cause we keep them going constantly. And we’ll never have to listen to anyoneone, about anything. ‘Cause it’s all been done and it’s all been said, we’revthe coolest kids and we take what we can get (you’re just jealous ‘cause we’re young and in love)._

 

 

 **November** , **2004**

 

It’s his birthday and he only has one wish. He does dinner with his parents and Rey at a steakhouse, cringing as the waitstaff brings him a big slice of cake with candles and sings him happy birthday. All he can think of is getting home, waiting for the parents to pass out, and having Rey in his bed.

 

They inch closer and closer to sex every night. She finally let him eat her out, after weeks of begging, and he’s delighted in how the tables have turned. Her turn to beg him, promising to do dishes on his chore night or take out the trash. Rey is addicted to his mouth and lips, and it barely takes anything to get her off.

 

The way she moans, the soft, panting breaths, how she got an actual Charlie horse from her toes curling so hard. Everything about Rey is perfect. Ben thinks he’s probably in love.

 

It takes an eternity before she’s sneaking into bed with him. Rey curves around him, holding his cheeks as she rains kisses over his sensitive skin.

 

“Happy birthday,” she whispers against his mouth, nudging him onto his back and straddling his waist. Her thighs are warm and silky on his bare ribs, and he can’t help but stroke his thumbs over her.

 

“Since it’s your birthday,” Rey whispers, kissing down his throat, “I wanted to give you the most special present I could think of.” Her tongue swipes playfully over his nipple before she sits up. She waves a small foil square in front of him, grinning deviously. Ben feels his heart stutter in his chest.

 

“Rey, what? You don’t have to,” he says quickly. “I never expected -“

 

“I know. I’m ready. I really, really want to,” she adds. “Like I can’t stop thinking about it. I love you so much and I can’t imagine a better person to take my virginity.” She giggles at his shocked and awed expression, before swooping down to kiss him.

 

Ben can’t believe it’s happening - his seventeenth birthday, best present ever - and remains frozen as she slides down his body. Her hand disappears under the waistband of his boxers and wraps around his cock, snapping him out of it quickly.

 

He jolts into action, rolling them over until she’s under him and his sudden erection is smushed pleasantly between them. He pulls the T-shirt over her head - it’s Bright Eyes, one of his - and sucking a hardened nipple into his waiting mouth. She shivers with delight as he suckles, tugs with his teeth. It might be his birthday but he wants to make her feel as good as possible. Especially since it’s supposed to be pretty unpleasant for a girl. Plus, he’s felt how small she is down there. She needs extra warming up if his cock is ever going to fit.

 

Ben blazes a trail down her belly, over her mound. He licks through her damp panties, twitching in his shorts at her excitement.he takes his time parting her, sliding his tongue over her feverish sex. He uses two fingers to stretch her open, relishing in the way her breath quickens and her moans raise in octave. When she cums, shuddering and fluttering around his fingers as he laps up her arousal, Ben feels happier than he ever has.

 

“Where’s that condom?” he asks, and Rey hands it to him. He’s been practicing - he’s never done this before, either, and he wanted to make sure he wouldn’t ruin the whole mood by fumbling with the rubber. He rolls it down his length and shivers at the light pressure.

 

Then he braces himself on one elbow, lining their bodies up carefully for the very first time. She breathes noisily as he slowly presses into her. The heat and tightness nearly make Ben’s eyes cross and he grunts softly. It’s so much better than he could have ever imagined. It takes some work, Rey stiffening up a few times so he has to coax her back with sweet kisses and gentle touch. When he is finally inside, Ben sighs in contentment. He gives her some time to adjust, wondering how it must feel to have his dick stretching her previously untouched channel.

 

He’s not a fucking virgin anymore. Neither is she.

 

“I’m going to move,” he warns her when he can no longer hold still. He hips pull back, thrust back in. Her breath stutters out and she moans so softly that any blood left in his head rushes south. He feels dizzy with pleasure.

 

Ben holds it off for as long as he can. He plucks at Rey’s clit, hips finding a rhythm that makes them both breathe hard. Rey’s orgasm is sudden and takes her by surprise. “Holy - oh god,” she groans, louder than is safe. Ben kisses her, swallowing moans and eyes rolling back as she clamps down and squeezes around his dick. The sensation is powerful as it pulls him over the edge as well.

 

“I fucking love you,” he says through grit teeth, pulsing inside of her.

 

“I love you more,” Rey says, soft and dreamy. He collapses on top of her, feeling both their hearts beat in sync.

 

When he pulls out, there’s blood smeared on the condom. Rey swears she doesn’t hurt, but he wakes up when she sneaks out of his bed and notices her cautious steps. He makes a mental note to never trust her when she says she’s fine again, and drifts back into a happy dream.

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

 **May** , **2015**

 

“What is going on here?” Leia demands, storming onto the porch and smacking Ben’s arm. “You finally come home and - and -“ she shakes her head, cheeks flushed with anger.

 

“You ok, Rey?” Han asks gently.

 

“Yes,” she says. She glances at Ben and laces their fingers together. If they’re going to do this, they’re going to do it together. “We have something to tell you guys.”

 

Leia stares at their hands and her jaw drops open. “You’re kidding.”

 

“We were together for a long time in the past,” Rey says, gazing at her father. He looks calm, surprisingly, a bit thoughtful. Leia looks like a feather could knock her over. “All of the tension and distance you were so worried about was because we broke up. But we’re going to give it another shot, and we’d love your blessing.”

 

She feels Ben squeeze her hand and glances up to look at him, eyes brimming with happy tears despite the anxiety that rolls through her stomach. “It’s not necessary but we would prefer it,” she adds. She wants him to know that she’s serious. Nothing can sway her this time.

 

“I need a drink,” is all Leia can say. She twirls around to stomp inside, and Han pushes off the door frame where he leans. Rey holds her breath in anticipation.

 

“You lay a finger on her, you break her heart, I’ll break your arm,” her father says, and Rey glances up to see Ben gulp visibly.

 

“Yes sir.”

 

The three head through the house and out to the backyard where the party commences, even without them. Ben has his hand on the small of her back, the light pressure a subtle reassurance as they face the crowd together.

 

“Who is that delicious specimen?” Finn asks Rey a bit later, nodding at the shorter man that had accompanied Ben.

 

“My college roommate. Poe. Why, want an introduction?” Ben teases.

 

“Abso-fucking-lutely.” Finn licks his lips.

 

They dance to every slow song and it’s just like how Rey dreamed it would be as a teenager. She wanted nothing more than this, arms around each other as they sway. Like any other couple. The tension has melted away and for the first time in a long time, Rey feels happy.

 

She can’t stop staring at him - her Ben, holding her hand as they chat with friends and family under the big white tent and fading summer evening sky. It’s what she’s always wanted, what she dreamed of as they lay tangled with sheets in his bed in the dead of night. What she thought about when their classmates in school called her frigid and uptight for not accepting dates. What she fantasized, lying beside Hux’s snoring drake, night after night in their marriage bed. Having him touch her arm and dip his head to kiss her cheek or forehead. Being able to teeter on tip toe to demand a kiss from his smirking lips.

 

Despite all of her fear and anxiety, it feels so right. Ben hugs her to his side as Han starts the round of “Happy Birthday,” as the caterers wheel out an enormous three tiered cake glittering with thirty candles. She’ll never blow them all out, but she makes a wish anyway.

 

That this, with her family - even Leia, drinking too much and glaring at them - and friends, her hopeful happiness for the future with Ben... all of this would be her happily ever after. She blows out all the candles, with Ben’s help. Together, it finally feels real.

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics from “Shower Scene,” by Brand New


End file.
